On Pushing, Not Giving Up and Showing Up

Today marks my 5th year in the corporate world. Every year, I make sure to blog about my experiences and feelings about my stay in this world I have never imagined myself to be this very long.

Being here in this particular job is a love-hate relationship. It is like I am extending and flexing myself to be someone I am not. And yet, I am here because of the simple fact that I know God wants me here, right at this place, right at this moment.

There are lot of times I wanted to give up and just leave this competitive corporate world. There are lot of times that this job made me anxious and left me self-pitying to the point I am at the verge of giving in to depression. But why I am still here, if this is the case?

What I learned about this life is even though you’ve been in this black hole of self-pity, anxiety and depressing thoughts, you need to show up and push through. Not letting the black holes to pull you and eat you alive.

Showing up is hard. Pushing through is hard. Most especially, when you are in a love-hate relationship with the job you have right now. But showing up can do wonders. Pushing through even though you don’t want to can also do wonders.

I realized that in life, even if you feel withdrawing yourself from the world; even if you feel like giving up; even if you feel not being good enough… showing up makes a whole lot of difference.

So, I am here. I am still here. I am still breathing the air of competitiveness, still learning about adult life, still thriving to push and still testing the boundaries.

Right now, I am just enjoying the process. I am enjoying the learning. I am enjoying the experiences I may gain in this world. For now, I am here and I am not giving up.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”- 1 Peter 5:7


Yien081817

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Consistently Inconsistent

I have been really consistently inconsistent in updating this side of my blog. Even though I tried so hard to rationalize and reason out why I’ve been MIA here in my Book of the Month feature, no reason will ever suffice; because the real reason is I am too lazy to think, review and write about this particular topic.

Also, it is hard to choose a book which really gets my emotions. I’ve been reading fairly average lately and it seems no book has really captured my heart that much. Actually, I am really missing reading something dark or deep or something mind-boggling enough. The last time I can remember was last December, I’ve read The Sun is Also a Star in one day. However, the books I’ve been reading now-a-days are just too familiar or what I call my cup of tea: funny Mythology, Christian Non-fiction, an overrated YA novel, Classics from Lewis & Steinback and a Christian book adaptation. All those are in my comfort zone.

I am just looking for something that will resonate my deepest emotions, that can give me a heartbreak (without the actual heartbreak), or something that will challenge my preconceived notion about life.

So, instead of telling you about my favorite book for the 1st quarter of the year, I’ll be giving you some quotable quotes from the books I’ve read:

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless Ones by Derek Landy

_We are define by the things that we do, Detective_

Chief end(2)

Skulduggery 2

Regret No More: Letting Go of Yesterday’s Sorrows by Nelson Dy

Second chance

Chief end

 

Chief end(1)

Chief end(3)

Chief end(4)

Found: Letters on Love, Life and God by Isa Garcia

Found

Found(1)

Found(2)

Found(4)

Found(5)

Found(6)

Found(7)

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

Fangirl

Fangirl(1)

 

Fangirl(2)

Fangirl(3)

Fangirl(4)

Fangirl(5)

Of Mice & Men by John Steinback

Of Mice

The Son of Sobek by Rick Riordan

Sobek

War Room: Payer is a Powerful Weapon by Chris Fabry

War room(1)

War room(2)

Who Would Have Thought by Acel Van-Ommen

thought

Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

EE(1)EE

EE(2)

Magnus Chase: The Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan

Magnus

Magnus(1)

Magnus(2)

Magnus(3)

Magnus(4)

Magnus(5)

Magnus(6)

Magnus(7)

Magnus(8)

Magnus(9)

Magnus(10)

So, I think that’s it. Hopefully, this suffice my MIA for months.

Borrowed Time


“Life is short.” I have heard this cliché many times; so many times that I have never imagined that it will hit home and it will hit home hard enough; so many times that I have never imagined that it would be literal as 6 days, 14 hours and 55 minutes of living.

It is already 9 days after my niece died (as of writing), but I still couldn’t comprehend how and why this little baby girl, innocent and full of potential, should suffer and feel the pain even adults couldn’t bear. Why in her young age, she should undergo angioplasty? How her young body could bear all the pain?

Life is very short for this young little girl. She hadn’t seen the world. From the day she was born, she was taken to the heart center for operation. 6 days in the ICU.  She didn’t see her mother; her mother didn’t have the chance to hug her.  September 21 was her first breath. September 28 was her last.

In times like this, I want to tell every person I meet that life is short; that they should not spend it YOLO-ing but instead make out of most of their time loving and caring for people; that they should not be selfish to flick a cigarette while others are dying from lack of oxygen; that they should learn to value their health; that time is of essence; your time spent more to one thing is a time you spent less to another; that life is too fragile to break it.

Seeing my niece (7 days old) inside the coffin was heart-breaking. It is as if imagining how she suffered greatly, how much pain she endured. I would like to ask God, not to whine, but to have a conversation, just to know His plans, just to know what’s going on in His mind, to be assured that this little angel is safe and sound to His loving arms.

“A man’s days are numbered. You know the number of his months. He cannot live longer than the time You have set. So now look away from him that he may rest, until he has lived the time set for him like a man paid to work.” – Job 14:15

Yien 10.07.16

What is Life About?

 

picture1Life is fragile. It can break us or make us. It can leave you without a warning or it stays until the fulfillment of our purpose. Life in itself is unfathomable. But what we are capable of knowing is that: life is short. So short it is that you and I should embrace and give it importance.

Be truthful but nice at the same time. Stop complaining, start doing. Pray and hope. Speak life. Don’t lie. Love people. Appreciate the sky and its ever moving and changing nature. Create beautiful things and beautify the world. Be kind and remember that everything you do has a ripple effect. Don’t worry. Stop bringing drama, start giving laughter and joy to someone. Inspire others.

Life is about relationship. It is never about material things. It is never about achievements. It is about how you smile when someone needs your smile. It is about helping others when someone loses hope. It is about you and me in this world, loving and caring one another, looking out for each other, taking time to talk to each other, taking time to appreciate everyone’s life.

Yien 09.26.16

 

How to be Yours?

Dear You,

Life seems busy these days. I have my own priorities and responsibilities, and sadly, it seems it does not include You. It seems like I am slipping away. Yes, I am slipping away badly.

It was 2012, October to be exact when I said yes to You. It was a good feeling. It was like starting to read a much hyped and awaited novel, all the feels of every word as I touch each page. I promised to never forget the story, the names of the character, the quotes. It was serene, exciting and overwhelming all at once. My heart was focused. I want You. I want You badly. And that day, You made me feel that You wanted me badly and I was the apple of Your eyes too. But like all the novels read, even how much I loved the story line, the characters, and the feels, once I am in the real world and years passed by doing what I am supposed to be doing, the story begins to blur.

Our relationship takes its turn to blur. I know it’s me. And it’s me all along. Trusting anyone besides myself is not an easy task. And for me to trust You with my whole heart is a huge challenge for me. Let alone Someone whom I cannot see. You said, “talk to Me.” But there are days when I feel talking to you is a chore. When You wanted me close to You, “I said no.” I have never been this close to anyone. And I set many conditions. It’s like I am haggling in the market for a kilo of fish.

I know this relationship is not about me, it is never about me. But the prideful me would like to think it is all about me.

Maybe the long-distance relationship is not for me. You are there and I am down here. Even Your voice seems too difficult to hear. What I wanted all along is to hear Your voice clearly, to feel You deeply, to see You eye-to-eye and for You to tell me Your plans. But life seems to interfere. Without You being tangible in my life made me doubt and feel worthless. It made me feel unlovable, ugly and mean.

Or maybe, I am not used to Someone who would call me “Mine.” I am not used to Someone whose eyes are set on me. I am not used to Someone who would think of me first before Himself. I am not used to Someone who would only ask me for my whole heart and nothing else. I am not used to Someone who sees all the uglies in my life but still chooses to be with me. Because to be honest, I cannot do those things for You. I am not capable of selfless love. I am not capable doing what You could do. What I am capable of is being the same old me. I AM NOT USED TO SOMEONE LOVING ME.

I am not used to that thing called love. I am not used to being owned by someone. But still, You call me “Mine.”

And I wanted our relationship to flourish. I would like to utter the same words You are telling me. I wanted to be Yours and Yours alone… O Lord, I want to be Yours. Tell me… Lord, how to be Yours?

Your stubborn child,

Julienne

 

 

 

Giving Up

They say, don’t give up. They say, giving up is for losers. However, there are circumstances one should learn to give up in order to move forward.

Give up now or you might as well learn the hard way. Yes, this is the opposite of what everybody tells us. They want us to keep on hoping that things will work out in the end. They want us to hold on. 

Yes, for most parts, we shouldn’t give up, we should hold on. But have it occured to your mind that NOT EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT? Not everything we hold tight in our hearts remain. Sometimes the only option we have is to keep moving forward, to let go, to stop hoping that circumstances will change.

Learn to give up. Learn to ungrip your hands from the hands that hurt you. Learn not to settle for anything less. Believe that you are worth more than the mediocre or violent relationship you have. Stop holding on to the idea that you can change a person. Because the fact of the matter is, we do not have the power to do so even if we are willing and eager. Believe that you are not less of a person when you give up.

Stop holding on to things that are dragging you down. Sometimes, the more we hold on, the more we hurt ourselves and the people who TRULY love us. It hurts to be hurt. But it is more painful to see the people who truly love you, hurt for you. The more we hold on, the more sparkle of our dream may die. It is painful to see our most precious dream to be blown away by the wind and leave us empty handed in the end.

Don’t be afraid to give up. I am not telling you to give up your life. I am telling you otherwise. In giving up, you will give yourself a space to breathe. You will begin to see the brighter side. You will learn that there are more people worthy of your heart. You will learn that there is a whole lot of dreams to dream of.

Last thing, know when to give up. Give your heart a break. It is not wrong to dream or love. But when these things are holding you down to be the best version of yourself, maybe it is time to give up, breathe and move forward.

Yien 10.24.15

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The Big Guy Upstairs

I finished the book of Rob Strong, The Big Guy Upstairs. I thought at first, it was just like any other inspirational book. However, I thought wrong.

image

The Big Guy Upstairs tackled the supposed to be relationship of Man and God. Man today has settled in the idea of a Big Guy Upstairs, a too far God, an angry God.

This book explained how long time ago (Adam and Eve’s time), it was natural for human to be connected with God. Adam and Eve had a harmonious relationship with God. But because of sin, the natural connection between Man and God became unnatural.

The unnaturalness of the connection was broken when God gave His Son as an atonement of sin. Through Jesus, the natural connection (just like Adam and Eve’s time) starts again with the help of the Holy Spirit.

God is not too far away from us. He is just waiting for us.

He is like a peach tree in your backyard which you haven’t remembered planting. But stayed there for you to find.

He is like the brown shoes you have been wanting for so long to buy but wasn’t able to. Yet, someone close to you is generous enough to buy you one.

He is like the a party stopper only to find out that He has the greatest party in store for you.

I can give you so many metaphors. But I do not like to spoil the book for you. So grab a copy now.

What makes it different from any inspirational book is it answers questions.

Disclaimer: This is not a book review. When finishing this book, I felt the need to share what I’ve learned and this is it.

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Don’t fret! Progress does not mean changing 100%

Progress is the word I am thinking about lately. I’ve imagined myself without progress, our country without progress and our world without progress, and I felt really bummed about it.

You see, I’m a person who always do stuff, a person who doesn’t like being stuck, and a person who doesn’t support stagnation. I want progress, I want advancement.

Thanks to http://www.dreamstime.com

 

Our lives do not end here, sitting, typing on keyboards, doing “things.” Our life is not something we start at a certain point and end with that only point.

I have come to realize that everything should be evolving.

Our life should be progressive. If not, what is the use of living if you remain the person you are ten years ago?

Our relationship with other people (families, friends, partners, lovers, co-workers, and bosses) should be progressive. If not, what is the point of being in that relationship?

Our faith should be progressive. If not, what is the point of having faith?

Our career should be progressive. If not, we will be on the same ground as we have when our career started.

Our knowledge should be progressive. If not, we will be foolish for the rest of our lives.

Our thoughts should be progressive. If not, our minds will get the same information over and over.

Our health should be progressive. If not, our body will deteriorate easily.

I don’t know why some are hesitant of progress. It doesn’t mean changing drastically, so don’t fret. Yet, progress is a gradual betterment and advancement.

Progress should be alive with one of us

 

This mid-year, I plan to be progressive, stretching what I have and know now to a more advance me. I will not create a brand new me; hence, I will be just moving forward and have a gradual betterment of my old version.

My bucket list of progress:

1. Be a better ate (big sister) to my little brother by supporting him on what he wants to do and/or by not bullying him.
2. Be a better daughter to my parents by being not so lazy in doing household chores.
3. Will be having a career move one of these months (I don’t like to preempt this because I’ve been planning this for almost a year now).
4. Be a freelance writer/researcher/blogger.
5. Be a better daughter of God by proclaiming His words through sharing the Gospel to other people.
6. Be a better citizen of this country and of this world (reuse and reduce and recycle).
7. Read more informative and inspirational books.
8. Be a better listener, dumping the negatives and focusing on the positives.
9. Be at my best of health by eating and drinking nutritional food and exercising (yeah, that’s right, I’ll exercise, laziness, please don’t get on my way).
10. Attend trainings, seminars and workshop of interests.

I want to be progressive in every aspect of my life, how about you, what’s your plan?


 

P.S. Please pray for me to accomplish all these. Thanks! 🙂

Thanks to http://www.fullswingtennis.com

 

Nothing can separate us…

Love

“Nothing can separate us…” These words, for me, are the sweetest. Sometimes, I imagine someone telling me these exact words. I think I’ll melt like ice in a hot weather.

Imagine if your most loved person, tell these words to you, what will be your reaction?

NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US…

Then, imagine someone saying these words to you:

“Nothing can ever separate us… Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate you from my love…” (edited, Romans 8:38-39).

If I am to ask, I’ll be speechless because every time I read and realize the meaning of these verses, my heart beats faster than usual.

That’s what God’s love makes me, I become speechless and I am moved to tears.

That’s God’s love… we can never separate ourselves to Him.

Imagine, even the strongest storm can never separate us from God’s love… just imagine that! My reaction is WOW!

Even earthquake has no match with God’s love.

That even how much we wish or try to escape or hide with God, He will just shower us with His love (so, sorry for those who do not believe in Him because even how much you want Him to stop doing things you don’t like Him to do… you don’t have a choice but to accept that He still loves you no matter what)!

–actually this is not a reflection but just a reminder of how God loves me so much. Since, for the past few days, I think I am slipping away… (Week 13 of Refuel by Ru dela Torre)

Love is not forcing relationship

If God is so powerful, why does He keep Himself waiting for us to love Him? He can just make us love him, right?

It is because God wants a relationship with us, without forcing us to love Him. For God, “Love is not forcing relationship.” That’s why He gives us freedom to choose and to learn…. Learn to love Him with all our hearts and not by forcing us to love Him.

-inspired by the movie, “The Perfect Stranger” And this was written way way back 2010-2011 (can’t remember the exact date).

And to sum it up in earthly explanation, don’t force anyone to love you. If he/she does not love you, don’t force him/her. Because it is not love if that’s the case — it is selfishness.

Thus, love is freedom. 

If you love someone, just try to remember this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

And always remember, LOVE IS NOT FORCING RELATIONSHIP!

Imagine this: God does not force us to love Him. But we, mere humans, forces someone to love us back. Oh c’mon!