Sunday Currently | 05

201

This week has been very productive in terms of the writing aspect of my life. I have written a poem (which I will never publish here on my blog), a guest blog post (which I don’t know if I will share it here because it is too personal), a book blog entry (which was posted yesterday) and this Sunday Currently entry. And that’s why my brain is kind of in a zombie mode these past few days.

unspoken1

Reading

A.W. Tozer’s The Attribute of God: A Journey into the Father’s Heart. So far, this book is overwhelming (in a good sense). I am hoping I could write something about it after I finish the book.

Writing

Sunday Currently 5. I am glad that I have finished writing my guest blog entry and I have already submitted it last Friday. In fact, I have written 3 drafts for that guest blog. I finally concluded that it is really hard to blog about your personal life. I still don’t know if I will share it here on my blog since it is too personal. Reasons are: (1) I will never know who in my circle of friends/colleagues/family will read it; (2) I don’t want people I know to decipher my deepest thoughts; (3) I am a coward lady; (4) I don’t like people I know to think I am very into that thought (haha.. vague); (5) Anxiety.

So, you may ask, why did you agree to write some personal stuff? The blogosphere is different from real life. The people I know here in this blog world is never judgmental and I will never see them in real life. My fear is when people I know or those people I always talk to personally may read what I’ve written. I am just uncomfortable with that.

Okay, why am I explaining myself? -_-

Listening

to nothing – well, the sound of the electric fan and chirping birds, if that counts. This is why I love province life!

Watching

nothing. I am not a watcher type of person.

Thinking

that tomorrow is already Monday, the long vacation is at its verge of ending. This is the saddest ending ever!!!

Also, I’ve been thinking about my conversation with my bestfriend last Friday! Why is it hard to be human? Can we just know without asking? Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Smelling

Lysol.

Wishing

life would be clearer.

Hoping

for clarity.

Loving

the rain! I don’t know why I love rain, maybe because it brings some memories from childhood that I most enjoyed.

Needing

junkfood. I am not a junkfood eater but I am craving for junkfood right now.

Feeling

indecisive. There is nothing new of me being indecisive. But something about me and my friend’s conversation last Friday hits me hard and makes me want to know a certain thing but at the same time I’m afraid to know (sorry if this is vague, but I cannot put it into right words, plus, my head is really aching from all those writing I did the past few days).


To end this, here are some takeaways from reading A.W. Tozer’s work:

“What God made, God loves.”

“It is by grace we are saved, out of the goodness of God.”

“God is not an absentee creator!”

 

 

Sunday Currently | 03

sund

 

I thought I would not be writing a Sunday Currently today. But yeah, I still write. I woke up early today and I feel I should write something, and the most sensible thing to write is a Sunday Currently feature.

  • I woke up with chirping birds outside.
  • I woke up singing Lorde’s new singles, Liability and Green Light.
  • I woke up determined to reread Narnia.
  • I woke up hungry.
  • I woke up blah blah blah…

 

Unspoken(3)

Reading

Chronicles of Narnia again but now I’ll be reading it in chronological order. Also, I’ve finished reading Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon and I was very disappointed with this one. I’ve read the other book of Nicola Yoon which by the way was so good. I thought EE has the same caliber. But no, I got my expectations too high.

For Bible Reading, just finished reading John 🙂

Writing

Sunday Currently 3. I thought I will not be writing this because I want to have a weekend full of readings. However, I am now writing this.

Listening

Look at Me Now covered by Karmin. How I missed Karmin, they already disbanded last year which made me sad but realized they are still married soooo… it’s okay. But I think I will miss all those covers and the voice of Nick Noonan.

Also, I am very happy that Lorde came out with 2 new singles!!!

Oh, I almost forgot, last night I listened to The Purposeful Creative podcast and I was #fangirling to the fact that Arriane Serafico is interviewing Abbey Sy! The 2 women I look up to because of their works! Yeah, I was one happy nerd/fangirl last night!

Watching

None. I am not into watching. However, earlier, I watched itsjudylife beca…beca…because (only itsjudylife fan will get this). MK forever!!! Also, before sleeping last night, I watched a review of the Divide album of Ed Sheeran.

Honestly, I missed watching Nickelodeon and Disney shows, mindlessly laughing about corny and one-liner jokes.

Thinking

of sleeping again.

Smelling

food or am I just hallucinating or am I hungry?

Wishing

life would be easier.

Wearing

the usual pambahay, white shirt and pink shorts.

Hoping

for new books to read. However, I realized my shelf is already full of books and I have a lots of TBR pile. See, I am in a dilemma right now. I hate it when I need to rationalize with myself, like, who am I kidding?

Loving

the fact that my li’l brother is at home. I haven’t seen him for months now and I missed him so much. So, last night I bullied him (that’s how I show my love and care… haha). #bebeboy #saudiboyinthehouse

Also, loving the fact that I am rereading one of my favorite books of all time, Narnia.

Loving the fact that my sister is now reading my favorite book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Btw, she is not a reader, so, this is really a big deal for me. It is just so nice to know I am making an impact to one’s life.

Needing

courage and strength to start planning about the interior of my room.

Feeling

sick. I feel like I will be having a sore throat. But yeah, life goes on.

Also, feeling excited about next Friday’s out-of-town with my friend! Finally, a real vacation!


To wrap up this entry, I would like to honor the founder of the Sunday Currently feature, siddathornton.


“Stop doubting and believe”

John 20: 27

 

 

Sunday Currently | 02

Sunday Currently

 

My brain is not cooperating today, so please bear with all the nonsense you will be reading today.

Unspoken(2)

Reading

some articles in the internet. I haven’t read any book this week. But I am planning to reread Chronicles of Narnia because I missed the world of Narnia so much.

For Bible reading, still reading Exodus and John.

I don’t know why I am in a reading slump right now and it is very frustrating.

Writing

Sunday Currently and thinking of another one for Thursday schedule.

Listening

Mary, Did You Know? covered by Pentatonix and bird chirping. For the record, my playlist is in shuffle. These past few days, I’ve been listening a lot of musicals, such as Wicked, Lea Salonga’s songs and High School Musical. Also, listening to Reese Lansangan. Go Indie!

Watching

nothing! But I’ve been meaning to watch Riverdale and The Last Five Years but I’m too lazy to download. And I still have 3 movies to watch that I haven’t started watching yet. Why am I too lazy these days?

Thinking

of many things (as usual). Thinking about modern-day oppression/slavery, violins, consistency, why I dislike going out, introvertness, labels, sleeping, leaving, photoshoot, re-organizing my bookshelf/art area and other random things.

Smelling

nothing!

Wishing

not to be lazy!

Wearing

oversized sky blue t-shirt with heart print and orange shorts with floral print.

Hoping

for…. uggghhhh… my mind isn’t working now. I think my brain is still asleep. Hoping to end reading slump and to get back to journaling.

Loving

the fact that today is Sunday and I can be lazy however and whenever I like. Loving the chirping birds outside. Loving Bamboo (currently singing in the background). Loving the fact my jam is currently playing. Loving that I woke up early to write early even though my brain is still asleep.

But you know what, I love being idle right now. Last year, I’ve been hustling and running from one idea to another. My schedule was a mess. Everything is a mess even this blog. However, this year I think I will be more kind to myself.

Needing

a one week of recharging. One thing about being an introvert is that when they interact with so many people, they need to recharge. And I badly need a week-long recharging because of those necessary and unnecessary interactions (and those unplanned meetings). I am just wondering, can I tell my boss that I will be on leave because my anxiety is kicking in again? For the record, anxiety is an illness, sooooo….. (hoping that my boss will not read this entry).

Feeling

Is sleepy a feeling? If it is, that’s what I am feeling right now.

But seriously, I am boggled about the modern-day slavery I read last Tuesday and until now I am still thinking about it. The fact that it is still happening here in the Philippines makes me very anxious about the Filipino people. Because if a clan of elitist can do such things, especially to those marginally poor and innocent people, how much more an elitist cum government official? To be honest, I feel helpless about the situation of the Filipino people. Dolores Umbridge is real!!!!


To sum up, I am sleepy and my brain isn’t working and this entry is a rubbish.


To end this entry, presenting the Bible verse of the day:

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

-John 10:14-15 (NIV)

What Does It Take to Start Over Again

what-does-it-takes-to-start-over-again_

Do we need a certain amount of courage to establish ourselves to move on? Or do we need just a little and start from there? Do we need to fully trust our vision? Or to trust it partly and wait for signs that what we are doing is right? Do we need to achieve a level of faith? Or a small faith would do?

“No, you cannot quit…” “No you cannot start over again because you only have one life, don’t waste it…” Books, movies, songs told me that. “Stay where you are, make that happen, you cannot reroute and start over again, you have wasted so much time…” And sometimes, I also hear my brain giving this pep talk to myself.

All our life, we are taught not to give up, to continue even how painful it is to continue. Because giving up is only for the weak, the coward and the light-hearted. No, we cannot give up because we only have one life to live, wasting time is not an option. If you have invested so much time on something, you should continue it even though your mind is telling you otherwise. Just because, you call yourself courageous.

But real courage lies in knowing the right thing to do; walking in faith without foreseeing the future; believing not on yourself but on Someone bigger than you; knowing that Someone bigger than you gives millions of chances, that it is okay to give up and start over again even how much you invested on that one thing you are not giving up on.

It is okay not to pursue your graduate course. It is okay not to finish a sentence. It is okay not to hold on to people that hurts you even though you love them so much. It is okay to let go of your plans that are not working out even how much you invested your time on it. It is okay to let go of your lifelong dream. It is okay to lose grip on what you are supposed to be doing. It is okay to give up. But also in giving up is a chance to start over again. It is okay to start over again; to pursue what God’s want you to do, to hold on to your life, to walk in faith with Him. You can start over and over again.

Yes, we only have on life and we should not waste it. Do you want to spend your one life continuing what you thought you want knowing that God has given you so much more?

So what does it take to start over again?

No it is not about huge amount of courage. It is more of one pinch of courage and whole lot of God.

Starting Over Again

*Disclaimer: the following thoughts are not cohesively written.  So please bear with me.

Slipping away. I have slipped away. Feeling guilty of how I became too comfortable with silence; how no voice can penetrate my self-loathe; how I see life as black-and-white.

The past months have been a great struggle, looking for other ways to make my life purposeful, forgetting that my life, our life is in purpose when we are walking to the Light, not from it.

One morning, I wake up from a boiling water… where I am? How did my life turn this way? From His silence (or  more of my deaf ears), I heard Him (more of I read it but that’s the same in a sense). I heard Him say “START AGAIN.” And I am dumbfounded, not because I am shocked by the revelation but more of I am now beginning to understand what He is trying to say all along.

START AGAIN

Remember Paul? Before being Paul, he was Saul, killing Christians, or those who dare to follow the path of Jesus Christ. But then, Paul was renewed and started to believe in Jesus.
God gave Paul the chance to start again a new life with Him. And the story of Paul, along with the many stories in the Bible, is a proof that our God is the God of second chances (third/millionth).

20170110_171420-1

He wants me to start again. He never gives up on me (because If I were Him I would be giving up on me now). He has given me another chance after chance to see His unfailing love. He never gets tired in making me understand that He is the God of second chances that even though I slipped away again and again, he will never let my hand lose its grip, because in the first place, His hands are the ones holding me tight.


My thoughts have been incoherent these past few months, but I hope you get what I am trying to say. I am just amazed by His unfailing love. So amazed that I wanted it to share to the whole wide world but I seem to fail on delineating it cohesively.

-Yien-

Everyday – different, shifting and free

20160625_185003

I still have to comprehend life (and death). I still have to organize my thoughts as they are racing in my mind. I still need to evaluate every emotions. Nothing is sinking in. Nothing makes sense. Does life make sense? Does it need to make sense? Or should I leave everything in oblivion? Leave it as unfathomable? Leave it as a case indifferent from others?

Right now, what I am sure of, life is like the sky: everyday – different, shifting and free.



“Don’t let go too soon, but don’t hold on too long.”
Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie


“There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that’s what everyone else does.”
John Green, The Fault in Our Stars


“Every loss leaves a hole in your heart.”
Mitch Albom, The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto: A Novel


“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass – if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it’s okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.”
Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper


“Death doesn’t just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.”
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven


“The truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”
Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie


“It is only with practice what we learn to say goodbye.”
Martin Davies, The Unicorn Road


“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.”
Mitch Albom, For One More Day


“It’s cruel that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily, and you so little. But know this; the ones that love us never really leave us.”

— J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban


“The dream is ended- this is the morning.”
C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle



Yien 093016

How to be Yours?

Dear You,

Life seems busy these days. I have my own priorities and responsibilities, and sadly, it seems it does not include You. It seems like I am slipping away. Yes, I am slipping away badly.

It was 2012, October to be exact when I said yes to You. It was a good feeling. It was like starting to read a much hyped and awaited novel, all the feels of every word as I touch each page. I promised to never forget the story, the names of the character, the quotes. It was serene, exciting and overwhelming all at once. My heart was focused. I want You. I want You badly. And that day, You made me feel that You wanted me badly and I was the apple of Your eyes too. But like all the novels read, even how much I loved the story line, the characters, and the feels, once I am in the real world and years passed by doing what I am supposed to be doing, the story begins to blur.

Our relationship takes its turn to blur. I know it’s me. And it’s me all along. Trusting anyone besides myself is not an easy task. And for me to trust You with my whole heart is a huge challenge for me. Let alone Someone whom I cannot see. You said, “talk to Me.” But there are days when I feel talking to you is a chore. When You wanted me close to You, “I said no.” I have never been this close to anyone. And I set many conditions. It’s like I am haggling in the market for a kilo of fish.

I know this relationship is not about me, it is never about me. But the prideful me would like to think it is all about me.

Maybe the long-distance relationship is not for me. You are there and I am down here. Even Your voice seems too difficult to hear. What I wanted all along is to hear Your voice clearly, to feel You deeply, to see You eye-to-eye and for You to tell me Your plans. But life seems to interfere. Without You being tangible in my life made me doubt and feel worthless. It made me feel unlovable, ugly and mean.

Or maybe, I am not used to Someone who would call me “Mine.” I am not used to Someone whose eyes are set on me. I am not used to Someone who would think of me first before Himself. I am not used to Someone who would only ask me for my whole heart and nothing else. I am not used to Someone who sees all the uglies in my life but still chooses to be with me. Because to be honest, I cannot do those things for You. I am not capable of selfless love. I am not capable doing what You could do. What I am capable of is being the same old me. I AM NOT USED TO SOMEONE LOVING ME.

I am not used to that thing called love. I am not used to being owned by someone. But still, You call me “Mine.”

And I wanted our relationship to flourish. I would like to utter the same words You are telling me. I wanted to be Yours and Yours alone… O Lord, I want to be Yours. Tell me… Lord, how to be Yours?

Your stubborn child,

Julienne

 

 

 

The Problem with Love

Love is a splendid thing. It is a noun, a verb and everything in between. Love has too many definitions. It differs through experiences, some may say. Yet, have we all figure love out?

Love as rampant as it is, has diminished the value of itself. Equating love with the temporary ‘kilig’ or that ‘romantic excitement,” momentary lust, kissing scenes, pleasures, love teams, hashtags and trends. Whereas, the true meaning and value of it has blur out before our eyes.

So what might be the problem? The problem is (as Stephen Chbosky puts it), “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Most people are contented with the romantic excitement that they receive. Why? Because that’s the only tangible thing they can fathom. Things beyond the fathomable are dismissed as “high expectations” or “ignorance.”

Love as sweet and cliche as it may sound, is simply love. The more simple it is, the better. Love is not grandiose. It is not narcissistic. It is not neurotic. As far as it is not grandiose, love is simply the beauty of everything here on earth and beyond it. It does not stand in the limelight and sparkle. Love stands even without sparkle. The truth is, love is the sky, the womb, the universe and the vastness of each; the infinity and the beyond. Love is the heaven and earth. Love is the creation. Love is looking up.


Julienne

Read:

Romans 8:38-39

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Related entries:

Love Does Hope

Love Never Changes Mind

Love is not Forcing Relationship

 

Jacob and the Apple of His Eye

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  – Psalm 34:18

I’ve never seen this verse in a new light. This has been a verse I read then skip without even reflecting on it. For me, this never been a verse to really think about deeply.

Then, last May 24, as I was reading the Book of Genesis I realized that this verse is somewhat my life verse, it truly hits home.

Here’s the overview of the Book of Genesis: In the Book of Genesis, Jacob has two wives, Leah and Rachel. Rachel has always been the apple of the eye of Jacob that Leah always ends up being the second choice. But, because of this, Leah found favor in God. She was blessed with children while Rachel has none.

Then, that’s when I was reminded by this verse: God is near to the brokenhearted. Leah was brokenhearted. Even her spirit was crushed knowing that she would never be the first choice, she would never be the apple of the eye of Jacob. But, God saw her heartaches and blessed her.

All my life, I have been always battling to be the best, to be excellent, to be the first choice of people close to me. My heart breaks whenever people subconsciously remind me that what I do and what I say is not enough. It is like saying I am not simply enough. I accepted that fact a long time ago. I am the “almost but not quite” person.

Being an almost and pleasing everyone is exhausting. It is poison, it will eat you up inside and leave you empty. It is also frustrating to the point it is suffocating.

But being reminded that God is near to the brokenhearted, is comforting. God knows my heart, my thoughts. He knows what’s going on and He also knows the way out. And the way out is Him, to believe and trust, to be faithful with His promises.

I may not found favor to people. But I found favor with God and that’s more than enough.

Yien052716

image

Throwback: Heart’s Rainy Day

Ok… because it’s Friday and I don’t have any prepared blog post for today, this post is a recycled one from my Facebook notes. *Curse this writer’s block.*

The poem below was written almost 5 years ago. I can still somewhat vividly remembered where, why and when I’ve written this.

When: May 9, 2011 (Monday), one summer evening

Where:  I’ve written this at the back of my pink journal notebook in our family’s salas.

Why: Because it was summer then but in the evening, the rain poured so hard and I do not have anything to do except write something.

Without further ado, here it is:

Heart’s Rainy Day

It’s a season of warmth but it’s raining.

There’s lot of reasons to smile but you’re frowning

Heart is made to love but you’re hating

You said that your wonderful life is so boring

You didn’t see the light that is coming.

Now you are living a life like you’re losing.

Just stand up, relax and be you to win it.

ce13dd3b9308354c95cd3eee43e36f8b
Photo not mine. Thanks Pinterest!

Instead of being melodramatic that time, I resolved on writing a mini poem.