Hawak

unspoken

Pagod na pagod na akong lumaban.

Pagod na pagod na akong hawakan, ang mga pangarap na tila ba’y wala namang patutunguhan.

Pagod na akong tahakin ang landas na hindi ko alam ang pupuntahan.

Ligtas pa ba kung sasabihin kong, ayoko na, tigil na?

Sa ganitong panahon, napapagtanto ko kung gaano kahirap na kapitan ang mga bagay na mawawala rin pala.

Sa ganitong panahon, nararamdaman ko na hindi ko pala kayang mag-isa.

Dahil sa ganitong panahon, na akala ko’y kaya ko ng bumitaw, ‘yon pala’y hawak Mo pa rin ang aking mga kamay.

Ang aking mga kamay, nanginginig, napapagod.

Napapagod na sa pagsusulat ng mga bagay, mga plano… na sa huli pala ay parang bulang mawawala.

Nanginginig sa takot kung tama pa ba ito, nanginginig sa pagod, sa paglaban, sa pagpapatuloy ng mga bagay na hindi pala para sa’kin.

Ito na ang katapusan,

Tatapusin ko na.

Ang paglaban sa isang digmaan na pinanalunan Mo na.

Ito na ang katapusan,

Tatapusin ko na.

At ngayon ikaw naman uli ang mag-uumpisa.

Umpisahan Mong baguhin ang puso ko, buuin, pagtibayin, palambutin.

Umpisahan Mong gawin ang nararapat.

Tapos na ako.

Ikaw na uli ang may hawak sa buhay ko.

02.18.17

Starting Over Again

*Disclaimer: the following thoughts are not cohesively written.  So please bear with me.

Slipping away. I have slipped away. Feeling guilty of how I became too comfortable with silence; how no voice can penetrate my self-loathe; how I see life as black-and-white.

The past months have been a great struggle, looking for other ways to make my life purposeful, forgetting that my life, our life is in purpose when we are walking to the Light, not from it.

One morning, I wake up from a boiling water… where I am? How did my life turn this way? From His silence (or  more of my deaf ears), I heard Him (more of I read it but that’s the same in a sense). I heard Him say “START AGAIN.” And I am dumbfounded, not because I am shocked by the revelation but more of I am now beginning to understand what He is trying to say all along.

START AGAIN

Remember Paul? Before being Paul, he was Saul, killing Christians, or those who dare to follow the path of Jesus Christ. But then, Paul was renewed and started to believe in Jesus.
God gave Paul the chance to start again a new life with Him. And the story of Paul, along with the many stories in the Bible, is a proof that our God is the God of second chances (third/millionth).

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He wants me to start again. He never gives up on me (because If I were Him I would be giving up on me now). He has given me another chance after chance to see His unfailing love. He never gets tired in making me understand that He is the God of second chances that even though I slipped away again and again, he will never let my hand lose its grip, because in the first place, His hands are the ones holding me tight.


My thoughts have been incoherent these past few months, but I hope you get what I am trying to say. I am just amazed by His unfailing love. So amazed that I wanted it to share to the whole wide world but I seem to fail on delineating it cohesively.

-Yien-

The Year of Realizing Things

Hello there! Before I start this long mumbling and rumbling about the year that is about to end, let me just share to you this:

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So going back…………

2016 has been a very challenging year, not only in personal aspect but most likely, to any level and aspect imaginable by human mind.

I started this year in high hopes, listing down faith goals which I wanted to accomplish this year. There you have health goals, writing gigs, new house, camera, attend Church service, salvation of people close to my heart, art opportunities, Psychometrician board exam goals, and to grow spiritually. However, the problem with these goals is not that it is unattainable, but, I don’t have the faintest idea where to start. It is as if, I wanted an apple fall down in my lap in an instant without putting an effort in getting it. As we all know, that is not the case about life.

We need to do something, in order to get what we want.

And also, there you have the external and internal battles I need to brave, those uncontrollable happenings, those roadblocks, those feelings of insecurities and doubts.

Yet, there are those things that I have accomplished that are not part of my conceived plan. And that pal, is the most wonderful thing about this year.

As Spotify put it, this year has been the year of realizing things.

HIGHLIGHTS OF 2016

  1. Discovered the art of lettering.

Going back to February 14 of this year, I feel down about my art skills. I know I am not that good at arts. I mean, I am decent in terms of sketching and drawing but not that outstandingly great. So my frustration grew, I promised to myself to never again choose to believe that I will be great in arts. I bid goodbye to my first love.

But March 3 of this year, my friend introduced me to this art called lettering. And because of my love of arts, I cannot help but to fall in love to this new kind of art. And that my friend, is the short-lived break-up of me and arts. And now, my love for arts grew more than before.

  1. Rekindled my love for crafts.

You see, I love crafts, I still remember my late night project-making when I was in High School designing my notebooks and take home projects. But of course, college came and I don’t have any choice but to bury the crafter in me and raise the technical person in me.

But then, because of the rise of handcrafted stuff today, I joined the bandwagon (even though I hate bandwagon) and voila, the creative in me dances in the tune of crafts.

  1. Founded Your ArtsyCraftsy Companion

So here, due to my love-hate relationship with my day job, I came to believe that I should better get a side-hustle. With the help of my hobby of scrolling down Facebook, I stumbled upon the life-changing blog of all times, Arriane Serafico’s blog. There you have those posts about productivity, creativity, braving the freelance world, brainstorming side-hustles and FREE COURSES!!! Her blog inspired me to be passionately involved on being creative in a world full of monochromatic.

So I took a brave step forward, I ask people close to me if it is okay to be a support group with my ArtsyCraftsy idea. And not to my surprise, they said yes. And that is the beginning of Your ArtsyCraftsy Companion. (Shout out to Angel, Jed and Monique!).

Right now, I had my first paying client, she ordered 13 personalized notebooks, as in I did everything from scratch. The experience is humbling and as well as invigorating. More art projects to come.

artsycraftsy-3

  1. Finally I gained weight!

Yes, I gained weight! I know most of you will cringe if you find out that you gained weight, but not for me. I am delighted to gain 2 extra kilograms. As all the people who knew me, I am a thin 25-year old lady, underweight it is. My metabolism is so fast. And I am tired of hearing people telling me to eat more because seriously, I eat more than you can imagine me eating. Follow me on my journey to 50 kilograms (no pun intended).

  1. The Purposeful Personal Branding

Earlier, I told you how Arriane Serafico’s blog helped me on my way to being a productive creative. She helped me a lot (which reminds me to email her about how she changed my life). Right now, I am undergoing a paid course of hers, The Purposeful Personal Branding. This course helped me in understanding myself and my journey to being creative. It helped me to understand my brand, my niche, my strengths, what works and not work.

And thanks to this course, number 3 would not be possible if it wasn’t for this.

  1. Lastly (I know I have more highlights than this, but as of writing I have 792 words now so better cut it short), NEW HOUSE!

So if you are a reader of my blog from the start, you will know that one of my faith goals as I started blogging is to have a new home. And this faith goal is 4 years in the making. At first, I thought God forget my prayer or He just doesn’t like my family to move away from our past house, but I stand corrected. Everything is in His season. Everything is in His plans.

Hey self! Please don’t doubt again the power of God’s faithfulness to His beloved.


So there are good (or even best) things happened this year that is not part of MY PLAN. But who cares about my plan. God is faithful!

However, of course, we shouldn’t expect a year full of rainbows because there are always rains and that is okay.

LOWLIGHTS OF 2016

  1. Mom had an accident.

Remember what I said earlier, those uncontrollable situations, so here is one of a good example of that. My mom had an accident but she is okay now, alive and kicking.

This is one of those moments of rain I am talking about. That time when my mom had been injured because of the accident was the moment I am rekindling my *art skills.* But that season was not the time to be selfish about my time.

  1. My first ever niece died.

I didn’t understand the feeling of mourning but now I did. It was fast. One day she was born and the next day she’s grasping for dear life and a week after she died.

To tell you honestly, this was the moment I stopped reading the Bible and hearing all those repetitive clichés about God. For me, he must have been deaf that time. But again, I don’t know what to do without Him. So I don’t have any choice but to trust in Him because who can I trust in this fleeting world?

  1. Budgeting

I somewhat started of this year having a budget in mind, but because of those uncontrollable things that had happened this year, I begin to drift away.

  1. Procrastination

Haha. This is controllable but sometimes all I wanted is to sleep or look at the ceiling for hours. Procrastination leads me to less books read this year, didn’t finish daily devotional, not having to read the Bible for weeks, less socializing (which I badly needed at this point of my life). I could be angry at Facebook because it is the cause of all my procrastination but as I always say…

we are our choices.

Yet, all these lowlights bring me a lesson to be learned. I am glad for these lowlights, for if it didn’t happen, I would not see another aspect of human lives and faith.

This year I learned that….

To see beauty, you must create it.

To be happy, you must create it.

To have what you want, you must at least try to get it.

Faith without action is not faith at all.

To believe is to see.

Trusting the process is painful but worth it.

Being grateful is the way to purposeful life.

We should not be afraid to start over again, because by starting over you will learn the value of what you are doing.

Our day job will not satisfy our inner being, it is more of what we do outside of work can fulfill our hungry souls. Do side-hustles. Be passionately in love with your goals.

At the end of these all, when we fail or succeed… make sure that what you are doing translates to God’s unfailing love.


Happy Holidays to all!

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Borrowed Time


“Life is short.” I have heard this cliché many times; so many times that I have never imagined that it will hit home and it will hit home hard enough; so many times that I have never imagined that it would be literal as 6 days, 14 hours and 55 minutes of living.

It is already 9 days after my niece died (as of writing), but I still couldn’t comprehend how and why this little baby girl, innocent and full of potential, should suffer and feel the pain even adults couldn’t bear. Why in her young age, she should undergo angioplasty? How her young body could bear all the pain?

Life is very short for this young little girl. She hadn’t seen the world. From the day she was born, she was taken to the heart center for operation. 6 days in the ICU.  She didn’t see her mother; her mother didn’t have the chance to hug her.  September 21 was her first breath. September 28 was her last.

In times like this, I want to tell every person I meet that life is short; that they should not spend it YOLO-ing but instead make out of most of their time loving and caring for people; that they should not be selfish to flick a cigarette while others are dying from lack of oxygen; that they should learn to value their health; that time is of essence; your time spent more to one thing is a time you spent less to another; that life is too fragile to break it.

Seeing my niece (7 days old) inside the coffin was heart-breaking. It is as if imagining how she suffered greatly, how much pain she endured. I would like to ask God, not to whine, but to have a conversation, just to know His plans, just to know what’s going on in His mind, to be assured that this little angel is safe and sound to His loving arms.

“A man’s days are numbered. You know the number of his months. He cannot live longer than the time You have set. So now look away from him that he may rest, until he has lived the time set for him like a man paid to work.” – Job 14:15

Yien 10.07.16

Most of the Time

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Sometimes,  Most of the time, life does not make any sense. There are lots of pain, sufferings and unending war of self and others.  The only thing that makes sense right now is You and Your mightiness.

Life is also a blur at times. There are a lot of sparkle and brightness that seems right at that given time but seems to only last in that moment. The only guidance that last forever is Your light.

Most of the time, I don’t know what you are doing but what I know is You and who You are.

Yien 09.28.16

 

Brick in the Wall

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There’s another brick in the wall, challenges that might scar and falter one’s faith. But just like the brick in the wall, being strong and unfazed is the only way to go; strengthened by hope, held by faith, and embraced by love.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Yien 09.27.16

What is Life About?

 

picture1Life is fragile. It can break us or make us. It can leave you without a warning or it stays until the fulfillment of our purpose. Life in itself is unfathomable. But what we are capable of knowing is that: life is short. So short it is that you and I should embrace and give it importance.

Be truthful but nice at the same time. Stop complaining, start doing. Pray and hope. Speak life. Don’t lie. Love people. Appreciate the sky and its ever moving and changing nature. Create beautiful things and beautify the world. Be kind and remember that everything you do has a ripple effect. Don’t worry. Stop bringing drama, start giving laughter and joy to someone. Inspire others.

Life is about relationship. It is never about material things. It is never about achievements. It is about how you smile when someone needs your smile. It is about helping others when someone loses hope. It is about you and me in this world, loving and caring one another, looking out for each other, taking time to talk to each other, taking time to appreciate everyone’s life.

Yien 09.26.16

 

How to be Yours?

Dear You,

Life seems busy these days. I have my own priorities and responsibilities, and sadly, it seems it does not include You. It seems like I am slipping away. Yes, I am slipping away badly.

It was 2012, October to be exact when I said yes to You. It was a good feeling. It was like starting to read a much hyped and awaited novel, all the feels of every word as I touch each page. I promised to never forget the story, the names of the character, the quotes. It was serene, exciting and overwhelming all at once. My heart was focused. I want You. I want You badly. And that day, You made me feel that You wanted me badly and I was the apple of Your eyes too. But like all the novels read, even how much I loved the story line, the characters, and the feels, once I am in the real world and years passed by doing what I am supposed to be doing, the story begins to blur.

Our relationship takes its turn to blur. I know it’s me. And it’s me all along. Trusting anyone besides myself is not an easy task. And for me to trust You with my whole heart is a huge challenge for me. Let alone Someone whom I cannot see. You said, “talk to Me.” But there are days when I feel talking to you is a chore. When You wanted me close to You, “I said no.” I have never been this close to anyone. And I set many conditions. It’s like I am haggling in the market for a kilo of fish.

I know this relationship is not about me, it is never about me. But the prideful me would like to think it is all about me.

Maybe the long-distance relationship is not for me. You are there and I am down here. Even Your voice seems too difficult to hear. What I wanted all along is to hear Your voice clearly, to feel You deeply, to see You eye-to-eye and for You to tell me Your plans. But life seems to interfere. Without You being tangible in my life made me doubt and feel worthless. It made me feel unlovable, ugly and mean.

Or maybe, I am not used to Someone who would call me “Mine.” I am not used to Someone whose eyes are set on me. I am not used to Someone who would think of me first before Himself. I am not used to Someone who would only ask me for my whole heart and nothing else. I am not used to Someone who sees all the uglies in my life but still chooses to be with me. Because to be honest, I cannot do those things for You. I am not capable of selfless love. I am not capable doing what You could do. What I am capable of is being the same old me. I AM NOT USED TO SOMEONE LOVING ME.

I am not used to that thing called love. I am not used to being owned by someone. But still, You call me “Mine.”

And I wanted our relationship to flourish. I would like to utter the same words You are telling me. I wanted to be Yours and Yours alone… O Lord, I want to be Yours. Tell me… Lord, how to be Yours?

Your stubborn child,

Julienne

 

 

 

Fear of the Future

Sometimes when you thought you know everything, that’s when life slaps you in the face and remind you, you don’t know anything at all.

Your eyes are set to higher goals, to a lifelong dream you have been holding on to your heart since you were young. And now, you step out in the world where reality is not as friendly as you thought it would be.

This week marks my 4 years in the corporate world. As I always say, I have never thought to be here for long. In fact, being here is a love-hate relationship. There are times when I feel I do not deserve anything like this. And there are those moments when self-entitlement struck me. And I hate what this world makes me feel: self-pity, unjust confidence, talentless, self-entitlement, unworthy, hatred, out-of-place, and most of all fear… fear of what the future will bring.

Okay before you stop reading because of all these rants, let me tell you this: In all these crazy and unsolicited self-pity, there’s joy… there is always joy in everything. Life, even how hard it may seem, always makes me realize there is good in every circumstances. The corporate world taught me to be strong, to face the giants of this world, to interact with different kinds of people, to accept and finish bigger responsibilities, to see the beauty in spite of the ugliness of this world, to conquer the fear of rejection.

Today, I learned to be still, to be quiet, to stop, to think and just believe that tomorrow, goals and lifelong dreams will be attained… that tomorrow is bigger, that God is bigger, that life is a process, that hope is enough right at this moment.

That today, you should just sit back and learn to

TRUST THE PROCESS

 

 

 

 

The Problem with Love

Love is a splendid thing. It is a noun, a verb and everything in between. Love has too many definitions. It differs through experiences, some may say. Yet, have we all figure love out?

Love as rampant as it is, has diminished the value of itself. Equating love with the temporary ‘kilig’ or that ‘romantic excitement,” momentary lust, kissing scenes, pleasures, love teams, hashtags and trends. Whereas, the true meaning and value of it has blur out before our eyes.

So what might be the problem? The problem is (as Stephen Chbosky puts it), “we accept the love we think we deserve.” Most people are contented with the romantic excitement that they receive. Why? Because that’s the only tangible thing they can fathom. Things beyond the fathomable are dismissed as “high expectations” or “ignorance.”

Love as sweet and cliche as it may sound, is simply love. The more simple it is, the better. Love is not grandiose. It is not narcissistic. It is not neurotic. As far as it is not grandiose, love is simply the beauty of everything here on earth and beyond it. It does not stand in the limelight and sparkle. Love stands even without sparkle. The truth is, love is the sky, the womb, the universe and the vastness of each; the infinity and the beyond. Love is the heaven and earth. Love is the creation. Love is looking up.


Julienne

Read:

Romans 8:38-39

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Related entries:

Love Does Hope

Love Never Changes Mind

Love is not Forcing Relationship