The Things I Always Wanted to Say to Everybody

Remember the time when you were too close to the ledge and you didn’t know where to hold on to. You wanted to jump. You wanted to fall off. Because maybe this would mean letting go of control that was trying to suffocate you for the longest time. It didn’t mean that there’s nothing to hold on to. But, you felt your arms couldn’t hold on anymore, your feet wanted an escape. You were trying to hold on but you were weary of always being the first one to reach. For once, you wanted to let go and let others reach your hand. For once, you didn’t want to save yourself alone. And for once, you wanted somebody to save you from jumping off the ledge because you were exhausted of standing and fighting the battles you cannot win alone.

In your head, it was a perfect escape, running from the void, running from those black holes, running from those thoughts that kept you awake and vomiting at 4am. But you were tired. You were weary of all the running you did. You were exhausted of being awake because of anxiety attacks. You were not okay. You were in a black hole. No, every day you were in different black holes. Every day, different, but the same intensity of suffocation. You tried to tell yourself, “I am okay”, “I will be okay”. You tried to smile and pretend that everything was okay. You tried to do mundane things in hopes that everything would fall right into place – you were hoping and praying that it would. And it did.

To You:

Yes, there were demons I’ve tried to battle on my own. And if you didn’t notice, I don’t blame you. It is hard to see through beyond the superficial. I’ve mastered the art of pretending, masking every pain and black marks under my eyes. I don’t blame anyone for something my mind had created. I didn’t blame you because this is my own doing. I didn’t blame you because I’ve chosen to fake a smile and a laugh. No, I didn’t blame you at all. If you did notice and tried to reach out, thank you, I am forever grateful. If you tried to comfort me, thank you, I am happy to know that you care. And I will be forever grateful for people who, without them knowing, in their own little way, those little gestures, those smiles, those jokes, helped me cope and fight those demons.

Right now, I am farther away from the ledge. I am happy that I am far away from jumping and falling off the ledge. I am happy that there are no longer attacks at 4am. I am happy the voices can keep talking but they can’t pull my own voice anymore. I am happy that my heart is still now. And it is you who to blame for this.


Yien 122117

Advertisements

Best of 2017 (Sort of)

To start, this blog is an online personal journal, so if you are reading this, I am warning you that this will be another nonsensical post, a waste of space and time.

17 Best Books I’ve Read So far… (or those books that really left me shattered or boggled and/or inspired).

  1. East of Eden by John Steinback (Read: May 2017)
  2. Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom (Read: June 2009 and re-read many times)
  3. The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis (Read: February 2014)
  4. The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon (Read: December 2016)
  5. Para Kay B by Ricky Lee (Read: October 2010 and re-read many times)
  6. All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven (Read: July 2015)
  7. Kane Chronicles: The Throne of Fire by Rick Riordan (Read: October 2016)
  8. The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman (Read:  September 2015)
  9. The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (Read: February 2014)
  10. Britt-Marie Was Here by Frederik  Backman (Read: June 2017)
  11. The First Phone Call from Heaven by Mitch Albom (Read: December 2013)
  12. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis (Read: June 2013)
  13. Si Amapola sa 65 Kabanata by Ricky Lee (Read: November 2014)
  14. The Unicorn Road by Martin Davies (Read: October 2014)
  15. Kung Alam Nyo Lang by Ricky Lee (Read: November 2017)
  16. The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien (Read: January 2015)
  17. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (Read: April 2014)

17 Best Songs I’ve Listened to so far… (or songs that I couldn’t get over. It’s either I am speechless while listening to it or I would be dancing or singing my heart out)

 

 

Life Lately | 01

It’s the first week of December already and I haven’t posted anything yet here for almost 2 months I guess. And I absolutely regret to leave this blog on a negative tone, my last public post was really a melancholic one. I have a few good reason for being MIA: first, life is really happening right now and I don’t have ample time to write; second, I tried to write, I tried really hard but I cannot make myself write anything cohesive, and; third, I’ve written some poetry and prose, however, I deliberately did not post it on this blog.

Please excuse me for this waste of space and time.

What happened, October?

Many firsts happened last October:

  • First Out of the Country Travel!!! Meaning 1st time to be out of my comfort zone… meaning meeting new people… meaning seeing new culture. We (my sister and I) went to Malaysia and Singapore.

To my surprise, I was somewhat comfortable with the new environment. I could sleep well on a different bed which was very unlike me. I could eat well on a different environment which again was very unlike me. I’ve never seen myself comfortable in a new environment which was very surprising.

  • First time I was really disappointed with Neil Gaiman’s work (*ehem* Stardust).
  • First time to really have my heart feel the way I felt. Okay, that’s vague but I cannot rewrite or re-explain myself… just read this link.  It is not like I am not proud of this new season I am in, but, this is the kind of thing I am not comfortable talking about, my friends can vouch for me about this.

What happened, November?

  • I’ve finished reading three books!

Kung Alam N’yo Lang by Ricky Lee

Ricky Lee never disappoints. Love is really an understatement for this masterpiece!

The Maps that Contain Us by Marla Miniano & Reese Lansangan

First time to read a collection of flash fiction and poetry and it did not disappoint.

Holding Up The Universe by Jennifer Niven

Review is on Goodreads.

  • November I became a certified Tita of Makati… meaning I am really busy taking care of my niece.
  • November also was the month of rekindling friendship.
  • I am back from art slump for almost 2 months!
  • 1 month in a relationship. Yey! No, I will not elaborate.

Life lately was full of surprises and unexpected circumstances. I learned so many things and lessons from what happened the past months. And I am happy on how life unfolds before my eyes. I am still in awe on how God orchestrate everything. I love how grounded I can be in this season of my life. I am forever grateful to God for all the blessings He has bestowed me. I am forever grateful.

There is a time for everything. – Ecclesiastes 3:1


 

The Voice | 2

You let your voice out. But your words came out wrong. It exited your mouth like a rapid river trying to suck all the people happily playing in the water. You are so used on letting your voice be silenced by your fear. Then when it finally came out, your voice sounds like a piercing knife.

You let your voice be heard this time and then you quiver. You’re not so used with this kind of voice. You’re not so used on hearing it audibly. You wished you haven’t spoken at all.

You let your words came out. Like a song on its last song syndrome, happily then daunting then painful then it cannot stop you from feeling coward again. You let the words out, the words that made you up for the first 4 months of this year. You let the words out, the words you’ve been keeping to yourself since 2010.

And those words, from the past, it is like a phone ringing with an introvert holding it. It is haunting. It pierces. It slices. You said it will never haunt you again. But it did.

Those words finally came out and I am inside again. Rewinding what I’ve just said. Replaying the syllables and wanting it to be pushed back. But it can’t. Letting people know what you’ve been through, letting them have the glimpse of the chaos inside you… It is suffocating than freeing.

I’ve already mastered the art of being silent. Maybe this is it. My voice shouldn’t be heard after all.


Yien100717

When you are falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, did you ever really crash or even make a sound?

I Hope This Make Sense

I hope what I write make sense.

I don’t even know where this will be going.

What I know is I am letting out words that simply pass through my mind.

Maybe I’m tired of the echoes.

I’m tired of the rushing thoughts.

Wait, I don’t have rushing thoughts these past days.

Maybe this time I have made peace with my thoughts.

Maybe they are there, quietly looking for signs to get out.

But, right now, they are quiet.

Quiet?

What is quiet?

I can’t even determine words synonymous to quiet.

The silence is not something I am accustomed to.

Silence, for me, is on those nights without any dreams,

without the recurrent words,

without the constant nagging voice that says things I don’t want to hear.

Right now, the silence is creeping in,

should I enjoy it? Should I be alarmed of it?

For now, I’ll enjoy the silence.


Yien092617

 

The Voice

Learn to trust your voice

the sound that only your ears can hear,

the voice who says, “go on, find yourself,”

the voice that starts rumbling,

rumbling into the vastness of words.

Learn to trust your voice

the hoarse voice saying, “I can!”

the voice that keeps you awake at day,

the voice that reminds you when to eat and when to stop,

stopping at the beat of the heart.

Learn to trust the voice,

the stutter, the whisper,

the stopping, the breathing,

the pulling of syllables out of your mouth,

the beating and the leaving of words.

Be heard.


Yien091717

Right Here

I stopped telling myself to write,

Write words that don’t resonate;

Write words that sound like a gong, empty and only echoes.

 

I stopped telling myself to force life,

Force life to give the greatness I’ve always wanted.

Because life will not give me my heart.

 

I stopped telling myself to stop trying,

Stop trying to live and be alive,

Stop trying to give life.

 

I start telling myself to write words,

To write words that define the soul,

To write words that sound like a real voice.

 

I start telling myself to let life,

Let life give the pinch of hope I always need for greatness,

Let life seethe through my vein.

 

I start telling myself to truly live,

Truly live in the moment

Because right here, right now, is where I am alive.


Yien092317

 

 

Learn To Be

Learn to be alone,

to love the silence.

Learn to hit the rock bottom

and stand up again.

Learn to heal the brokenness yourself

alone and quiet.

Learn to know when to stop

be still and restart.

Learn to cry out loud

and laugh and sigh.

Learn to live for yourself

find within the joy you’ve lost

from looking for temporary happiness.


Yien091517

It’s Time

It’s time to grow outside, little rose.

Don’t let your thorns bind you inside.

 

It’s time to fly, little bird.

Don’t let the high fool you.

 

It’s time to laugh, sad clown.

Don’t let your mascara tears flow ‘til it drown you.

 

It’s time to be you.


Yien090717