it lives by
chapters and spines
it lives by
chapters and spines
The light is blinding,
but only in light is living.
I tried my best to remember the last time I stood on that line: there was serenity and there was also chaos. I half-mindlessly stepped back as I was a woman afraid of anything outside the line, let alone the line itself. Yet, courageously, I stood on that line, thinking, may be this would be the start of something amazing, something I was unaware I was looking for, something the other side, which I was accustomed of, couldn’t give me. That other side, my side, was the safest side anyone could have ever imagined. But my side was also a dead-end, amazing, but a DEAD-END.
I imagined myself staying on my side, comfortable and familiar, something I could easily control (or so I thought). However, something inside me was aching – an ache which only grew as I see that in the another side of that line is light – a light which is uncommon, unfamiliar, yet looked promising. I have never seen such light. I have never seen a place where a light such as that could ever glow in a way my eyes couldn’t fathom. Sometimes, I fear the light or maybe it was not the light I was afraid of, maybe I was afraid of something unfamiliar, uncomfortable yet too clear for my own perspective. So, I stayed on my safe side for very long.
It was calling, that another side. It never stopped calling me. I remembered the first time it called me: it was clear yet unnerving. How am I supposed to follow the light? How am I supposed to step forward and leave my safe side? I remained in my safe side because it was familiar. It was common. It was home. You can never go wrong in anything familiar.
Years passed by, my side grew darker and darker. I thought I could control anything on my safe side. But the darkness, I couldn’t. So I run as far away I could to escape the dark. Yet, it never stopped following me. I run as far away I could which lead me on that line, that line I was most afraid of, the uncertainty, the unfathomable, the line in which the light shines.
Now, I am standing on that line again: there is chaos but there is also serenity – an air of calmness and peace.
I am still half-minded, boggled by the same thoughts. I want to reach the another side. I want to be one of the lights. I want to hold it in my hands and see what my hands will become. But I know, right here, on this line is where I meant to be for now. May be, it is okay not to know what’s in the light. Maybe, it is not yet the right time to step out of the line. Maybe, just maybe, there is freedom in knowing that this line, this invisible line, will still be here, under my feet, letting me see what’s behind and letting me look forward on what is behind that light.
Photo Credit: Pinterest
Hi there, just checking in. I’ve been missing in action for long since I’ve been very busy about my own life (and I don’t know what that means, ha ha).
Just finished reading The Shadow Hour by Kate Riordan. I am still thinking of the next read. I am planning to read a non-fiction book.
*You may read the review here
Aside from writing this entry, I am also writing something for a project me and my friend is brewing. I hope I can announce it soon but I don’t like to jinx it. And to tell you, I don’t believe in jinx and I don’t know why even telling you this. Oh self, shut up!
to Grace VanderWaal. Why she’s this good? I love her voice. I especially like her song, Moonlight. I like her voice cracks there and she’s really beautiful.
myself write. But seriously, the last time I watched something was last night. I’ve watched iCarly series on Youtube because I really missed watching Nickelodeon shows.
of the next sentence for that project.
The funny thing is, I have colds which means I am having a hard time smelling anything (not that I often smell things randomly).
for an extended weekend.
for an extended weekend.
*Maybe in repetition, it will come true.
for a clear skin… I miss my unblemished face. Huhu.
the productive weekend. Yesterday, I went back on budgetting (if you want a template to kick start your monthly budgetting, just message me through: firstname.lastname@example.org). The past few weeks, I often journal. And just yesterday, I finished a book!
an extended weekend.
*Again, hoping that maybe in repetition, it will come true.
under the weather but still need to hustle.
I don’t know why I even checked in with this kind of trash of an entry. Maybe, I can end this entry with a motivational quote or a quote from the last book I’ve read:
“I think it rather frightens some people when they discover that someone they thought they knew intimately is capable of something entirely unpredictable.’ – The Shadow Hour, Kate Riordan
A step forward,
The sun seems to burn his foot.
A step back,
and the darkness fills his remaining part.
“What I hope you’ll find in the end is that in the leaving, you don’t just find love, adventure, and freedom. More than anything, you find you.” – Isa Garcia, Found
Part of me wanted to cry and some other part of me just wanted to jump from joy. I have never imagined 2017 to be the year when I almost fall off from the ledge. There were lots of pull and push, up and down. Yet, I am still here alive, kicking and breathing the air of the new hope this new year may bring.
Most of the days of my 2017 were spent overthinking different circumstances and maybe that’s why I had episodes of anxiety the first 4 months of the year. It was not only on my emotional being it has effect on, but also on the physical aspect. I lose weight. I ate less. My once acne-free face is now acne-prone. Things were really out of hand and I didn’t know what to do. I tried everything I could to lessen the anxiety attacks. I tried meditation, journal-ing, art-ing, painting and I even started to focus on my IG feed. Yet, to no avail. That’s when I realized that I couldn’t do it alone, I couldn’t win battle alone.
That was the turning point. I started to open my heart to any possibilities. I welcomed people in my life, even though I know to myself that this kind of possibilities were uncertain. I gave myself a chance to know people, to see through beyond the doubt, to try to learn the language of most human being — love. I thought I am not capable to speak that language. I could love, yes, but the kind of love people expect in return, I thought, I can’t but I learned I could.
If 2017 had taught me something valuable, it is that my thoughts about myself, those labels I put in my head, those limits I tried to tell myself were just a mere thought, an excuse. 2017 taught me that I am beyond all those things, that I could be the person people never expected me to be, that I am capable, and that I can.
There were lot of things that happened this year. I cannot enumerate everything. What I can say is, 2017 had been the hardest but also the most fulfilling one. Because in all those chaos, I realized that everything has its own season and God is really faithful with His promises.
Happy New Year!
Maybe, I’ve been very picky now with the books I’ve read. I’ve learned the art of not finishing a book which I felt no inclination to finish.
Gladly, this year, from setting the expectation of 25 books to read this year, I’ve read 31 books.
1. Kung Alam N’yo Lang by Ricky Lee. Lee never fails. He is my go-to Filipino author. This book is really deep and discusses the inconvenient truths of the world. Mind-boggling. Heart-wrenching. Poignant.
This is me after reading KANL:
2. Britt-Marie Was Here by Frederick Backman. This novel is a heartwarming tale of an old woman, her cowardice and OCD. A tale where she brave the world outside and finally making a mark in the lives of people of Borgs. It is like an unintentional Nanny McPhee in a deeper level.
3. Found: Letters on Love, Life and God by Isa Garcia. A collection of letters for the sole purpose of finding oneself in the middle of this mess up world.
4. Regret No More by Nelson Dy. A non-fiction book which tackles on how to live a life of no regrets.
5. Everyday by David Levithan. It is a poignant story of love, life and identity. It questions the very things we are not capable of understanding or if we do understand, we are not capable of doing: Can we really see a person, deeply, not the way he/she acts or gestures, not the way he/she waves his/her hands, not the weight he/she gained, not the darkness or the fairness of his/her skin, but the way his/her soul connects with us? Can love really conquer all?
That’s it! Still thinking how many books I will be challenging myself to read next year.
What’s your favorite read this year?
I am a doubter. A doubter of anything pleasant and good. For me, one cannot be fully of everything, there will always be a catch, a stumbling block along the way, a pit in a field of happiness. And for the record, this is not a mere speculation. Life itself has brought me to learn this kind of truth.
But I also believe that God is in control. So whatever the stumbling blocks or pit, everything will fall right into place… because that’s how God works… mysteriously but surely.
Remember the time when you were too close to the ledge and you didn’t know where to hold on to. You wanted to jump. You wanted to fall off. Because maybe this would mean letting go of control that was trying to suffocate you for the longest time. It didn’t mean that there’s nothing to hold on to. But, you felt your arms couldn’t hold on anymore, your feet wanted an escape. You were trying to hold on but you were weary of always being the first one to reach. For once, you wanted to let go and let others reach your hand. For once, you didn’t want to save yourself alone. And for once, you wanted somebody to save you from jumping off the ledge because you were exhausted of standing and fighting the battles you cannot win alone.
In your head, it was a perfect escape, running from the void, running from those black holes, running from those thoughts that kept you awake and vomiting at 4am. But you were tired. You were weary of all the running you did. You were exhausted of being awake because of anxiety attacks. You were not okay. You were in a black hole. No, every day you were in different black holes. Every day, different, but the same intensity of suffocation. You tried to tell yourself, “I am okay”, “I will be okay”. You tried to smile and pretend that everything was okay. You tried to do mundane things in hopes that everything would fall right into place – you were hoping and praying that it would. And it did.
Yes, there were demons I’ve tried to battle on my own. And if you didn’t notice, I don’t blame you. It is hard to see through beyond the superficial. I’ve mastered the art of pretending, masking every pain and black marks under my eyes. I don’t blame anyone for something my mind had created. I didn’t blame you because this is my own doing. I didn’t blame you because I’ve chosen to fake a smile and a laugh. No, I didn’t blame you at all. If you did notice and tried to reach out, thank you, I am forever grateful. If you tried to comfort me, thank you, I am happy to know that you care. And I will be forever grateful for people who, without them knowing, in their own little way, those little gestures, those smiles, those jokes, helped me cope and fight those demons.
Right now, I am farther away from the ledge. I am happy that I am far away from jumping and falling off the ledge. I am happy that there are no longer attacks at 4am. I am happy the voices can keep talking but they can’t pull my own voice anymore. I am happy that my heart is still now. And it is you who to blame for this.
To start, this blog is an online personal journal, so if you are reading this, I am warning you that this will be another nonsensical post, a waste of space and time.
17 Best Books I’ve Read So far… (or those books that really left me shattered or boggled and/or inspired).
17 Best Songs I’ve Listened to so far… (or songs that I couldn’t get over. It’s either I am speechless while listening to it or I would be dancing or singing my heart out)
For all things bookish and wonderful
The wonderful life and magical experiences the world and I work together.
Unfathomable thoughts and feelings can destroy your little world of make-believe.
When she speaks, everybody listens.
A woman writing about the One who made her heart
The Life and Times of D. Leones
Chasing life, one day at a time
"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Howard Thurman