Note to My Younger Self | 04 | 2010

“Life does not censor pain.”

This was the weakest you’ve been. I can’t say 2010 was the hardest because every year has its fair share of challenges. But what I can attest is that this year was the weakest and darkest point of your life.

I told you last week that what you were feeling the year before would not compare to what you would be feeling the following years. And it was true. This was the year you cried to sleep at night. The year when you withdrew and isolate yourself. The year when you want to be invisible. The year when life seemed to crumble down in front of you. You were pushing people away but there was nothing new to that. What’s new was you finally close the doors, to never ever let people in, to never ever trust people. Because in letting people in, you give them the ticket to break you and disappoint you.

You were to blame for what had happened, you thought. It was your fault, you felt. You badly wanted to numb the pain by being invisible but the thing was you felt everything. You refused to be held, to be comforted. You refused any help possible. You were physically present, but your mind was somewhere else.

You were too vulnerable that time. You thought you couldn’t move forward and I couldn’t blame you because what had happened was something you didn’t expect to happen. Because how could you? You’ve been good to all the people you know. You’ve been genuinely caring. You’ve been very supportive. Yet, people always have something bad to say about you. It was not like you were a saint or holy person, you also have a share of flaws and mistakes but still you thought it would never happen to you. But it did.

Younger self, what I can tell you right now is that it is part of life. I guess you will be hearing that from me a lot. Because as I look back to what had happened on 2010, I can honestly say to you that everything that had happened is part of the grander picture, what happened to you was just a little dot of the big picture.

Younger self, life does not censor pain. It will never be like a movie, censored, sugarcoated and romanticized. It will give you what you needed. It will give you rotten apples instead of giving you ripe ones because that is just the way it is.

Also, younger self, don’t push people away again. Aren’t you getting tired of the same tactic? Haven’t you realized that your tactic aren’t working? Because people stayed. And for goodness sake, your friends… they want to help you, they want to comfort you, they want to hold your hands. You will eventually learn that those friends were the ones who led you to joy, just wait and see.

Younger self, remember this: what you are feeling right now will never compare to what God has in store for  you.


To read Sunday Series, Note to My Younger Self, click the following:

Note to My Younger Self | 01 | 2007

Note to My Younger Self | 02 | 2008

Note to My Younger Self | 03 | 2009

Note to My Younger Self is a 12-week Sunday Series that aims to make sense of my past in order for me to move on to the present without extra baggage.


Photo credit: Alison Sherwood

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