It was hard… finding new friends. For a person like you who lives in her own bubble, at her own pace, in her own mind palace, it was hard finding souls that would make your soul leap for joy. Because if you did find new people, it was as if, you were being unfair to your old friends for making yourself available to new endeavors without them. So you pushed people away because you thought that was the right thing to do. You pushed, you never let people in, you never opened up. You were and are always like that. You looked for all the flaws in a person, that way it was easier to push, it was easier to leave them behind. You looked for any possible mistakes they made and made yourself believe that it was their fault.
But, you know all along that you were the problem. You were always the problem. I don’t know why were you so afraid to let people in? Why were you so afraid people will know you? Why were you so afraid of trusting people? I know you were tired, you were tired of people leaving and making you believe that they will stay for the long-run. I know you were weary of all the dramas people could bring to your life. I know you were frustrated of people disappointing you. But, are these the right reasons to push people away? Are these reasons worth it for you not to try to make friends? Are these the right reasons for you not to give people a chance to know you?
You’ve been there for so long and I admit, up until now, this issue still remain. But you know what I learned in 8 years since 2009… as cliche as it may sound but “that’s life!” Life even as unexpected as it is, has its own share of monotony. People leaving and people breaking your trust are like a mundane 9-5 job. In the long run, it will bore you and it will no longer break you. It is part of growing up and I think it is the nature of life.
And I am going to tell you this… the next years would be tough ones, what you were feeling now would be worse in the coming years. 2009 was just the beginning. But remember, don’t you ever settle to this feeling, because life will get better, it will. Everything will be okay. Trust me, I’ve been there. Trust your future. Trust that you will find people worth keeping (because you did). Trust that you will experience joy (because you did). Trust that you will find the missing piece in your life (just wait, because you did).
To read the first & second in the Sunday Series, Note to My Younger Self, click the following:
Note to My Younger Self is a 12-week Sunday Series that aims to make sense of my past in order for me to move on to the present without extra baggage.
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