“I made a list of things I love just in case you go. All my life has been about waiting for people to go.”
It is funny; I couldn’t see or read any journal entry or poem you wrote. Nothing. As if 2008 didn’t exist at all. May be you’re happy that time so you didn’t bother to write anything or was it just your life then was very random that writing it would be a waste of time? So I tried my best to remember what had happened. And this is what your present self can remember…
I can still feel the emotions while you were marching down the stage with your white toga: feeling of uncertainties, feeling of inadequacies, feeling of lost, feeling of longing, yet, you were also feeling the relief, feeling a new sense of hope, feeling of standing strong and making your dreams come true.
You thought that moment was the worst because you were leaving behind friends, classmates and the familiar scent of the school you invested your 7 years of existence. You cried and that was the last time you allow yourself to cry in public. Because it was okay then to cry, because you were leaving all the familiar things you once knew, you were stepping out from your 7 years of comfort, you were stepping to the unknown life (a make or break life, you thought). You cried because the future is uncertain. You cried and made vows of long-term friendship. You of all people knew that promises are meant to be broken. But you still promised to be there and the unavoidable things happened, you and your friends grew apart and it scared a hell out of you. You were scared because you were afraid of being left-behind, of goodbyes, of things uncertain.
Yes, younger self, goodbyes are part of life. People will leave you behind without saying anything. Or you will leave people behind also without saying anything. And that is okay. Because in the following years, you will learn that life is always like that, closing doors, opening new ones that will eventually close. And that is also okay. Because there are still people who will stay no matter what, no matter how hard you push them away (yes, younger self, up to now you have still this tendency to push people away). Thank God for that kind of people, cherish them, love them in ways you know.
Younger self, goodbye is a great reminder that everything shall pass. Your heartaches, your mistakes, your negative thoughts shall pass too, that these will not remain. Remember that.
To read the first in the Sunday Series, Note to My Younger Self, click here.
Note to My Younger Self is a 12-week Sunday Series that aims to make sense of my past in order for me to move on to the present without extra baggage.
Photo Credit: Flickr