Status: It’s Complicated

Have you ever feel that you thought you know everything about yourself? Then one day, you realized that you don’t know anything about yourself (because of the denials you have made from the past).

It was Tuesday night when I read in Deutoronomy a verse… God said to the Israelites (regarding their journey from Egypt to the promise land) “You will not be going back that way again.” My initial reaction was such a literal one. I thought God was telling me that I will not be going to Malolos anymore (and that will be one of the saddest things). Well, overnight I was thinking about that verse.

The next morning (it’s Wednesday), God made me realized two things: a command and a promise. He was saying that I should not go back to my old self (command) and I will not be going back to my former self because now I am a new creation, renewed by grace (promise). That that day I was really happy because of that realization (well, I thought that it was finished that time) so I decided to make a blog about my life before I met Him. That night, I wrote a poem that best describes my past (for I cannot take it to write my story directly for it was shameful and at the same I can’t put the right words in it). In just several minutes, it was finished, so I slept after writing.

Then Thursday morning came, I woke up with heavy feelings, a gloomy one, I supposed. It was heavy that I felt very irritated with everything yet I still wanted to remain positive about it (since I have been recently reading Joyce Meyer’s Living Beyond Your Feelings). But that was not easy to be positive with; I felt something was wrong, very wrong. But that day passed by without me doing anything about it.

Friday morning, I woke up early since we have an early client call in Makati. I felt not that gloomy that morning for I was feeling sleepy. But then afternoon, I felt that gloominess again, a strange feeling, I feel alienated. Then all of a sudden, thoughts were rapidly running in my mind…

The things you will read here will be a revelation to you and as well as a revelation to me too. Here we go:

“It turns out to be that you hate yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally. You envy others for being beautiful, for being smart and for being happy. You are so hard with yourself and everything you do you thought is not excellent. I know you can do more but believe Me when I say that you are enough, don’t be too hard on yourself because you are the apple of My eye.

 

Let go. Forgive yourself. You’ve been a prisoner of yourself for very long now. Let it go. Keep moving forward. Just forgive yourself. You don’t have to be hard on yourself. Please, daughter, remember that I already forgiven you, and I love you so much. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Just remember that.”

-God

Have I ever thought that I hate myself? No.

Have I ever thought that I envy others? Slight.

Have I ever forgiven myself for not being real to myself? No because I thought that I could suppress these all. Well, guess what? No, I can’t suppress these all. But now, one by one, my feelings that I have denied long time ago are coming out.

I asked God, why I need to know all these? When I’m in the middle of happiness, why now? Well, all heartaches and hate are part of renewing me, refining a rusty iron into a precious gold. Only God knows the reason but what I know that all these hates are intentionally made to equip me in ministering other lost souls.

People thought that Christian life is a storm free life or water free life. NO IT IS NOT! And this entry is a proof. I experienced sorrow, sadness, alienation, hatred in the midst of being a new person. But what does it mean? As I have said, I am being refined by God, He wants me to prepare to disciple people. In order to do that, I should accept myself first. So how can I do that? By entering into the sadness I’ve experienced this past few days.


Now, I will again ask myself, Have I forgiven myself for not being real to myself? YES. I will just breathe and let go and LET GOD!

“Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.”

–Ecclesiastes 7:3

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