The Voice | 2

You let your voice out. But your words came out wrong. It exited your mouth like a rapid river trying to suck all the people happily playing in the water. You are so used on letting your voice be silenced by your fear. Then when it finally came out, your voice sounds like a piercing knife.

You let your voice be heard this time and then you quiver. You’re not so used with this kind of voice. You’re not so used on hearing it audibly. You wished you haven’t spoken at all.

You let your words came out. Like a song on its last song syndrome, happily then daunting then painful then it cannot stop you from feeling coward again. You let the words out, the words that made you up for the first 4 months of this year. You let the words out, the words you’ve been keeping to yourself since 2010.

And those words, from the past, it is like a phone ringing with an introvert holding it. It is haunting. It pierces. It slices. You said it will never haunt you again. But it did.

Those words finally came out and I am inside again. Rewinding what I’ve just said. Replaying the syllables and wanting it to be pushed back. But it can’t. Letting people know what you’ve been through, letting them have the glimpse of the chaos inside you… It is suffocating than freeing.

I’ve already mastered the art of being silent. Maybe this is it. My voice shouldn’t be heard after all.


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When you are falling in a forest and there’s nobody around, did you ever really crash or even make a sound?

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I Hope This Make Sense

I hope what I write make sense.

I don’t even know where this will be going.

What I know is I am letting out words that simply pass through my mind.

Maybe I’m tired of the echoes.

I’m tired of the rushing thoughts.

Wait, I don’t have rushing thoughts these past days.

Maybe this time I have made peace with my thoughts.

Maybe they are there, quietly looking for signs to get out.

But, right now, they are quiet.

Quiet?

What is quiet?

I can’t even determine words synonymous to quiet.

The silence is not something I am accustomed to.

Silence, for me, is on those nights without any dreams,

without the recurrent words,

without the constant nagging voice that says things I don’t want to hear.

Right now, the silence is creeping in,

should I enjoy it? Should I be alarmed of it?

For now, I’ll enjoy the silence.


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The Voice

Learn to trust your voice

the sound that only your ears can hear,

the voice who says, “go on, find yourself,”

the voice that starts rumbling,

rumbling into the vastness of words.

Learn to trust your voice

the hoarse voice saying, “I can!”

the voice that keeps you awake at day,

the voice that reminds you when to eat and when to stop,

stopping at the beat of the heart.

Learn to trust the voice,

the stutter, the whisper,

the stopping, the breathing,

the pulling of syllables out of your mouth,

the beating and the leaving of words.

Be heard.


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Right Here

I stopped telling myself to write,

Write words that don’t resonate;

Write words that sound like a gong, empty and only echoes.

 

I stopped telling myself to force life,

Force life to give the greatness I’ve always wanted.

Because life will not give me my heart.

 

I stopped telling myself to stop trying,

Stop trying to live and be alive,

Stop trying to give life.

 

I start telling myself to write words,

To write words that define the soul,

To write words that sound like a real voice.

 

I start telling myself to let life,

Let life give the pinch of hope I always need for greatness,

Let life seethe through my vein.

 

I start telling myself to truly live,

Truly live in the moment

Because right here, right now, is where I am alive.


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Learn To Be

Learn to be alone,

to love the silence.

Learn to hit the rock bottom

and stand up again.

Learn to heal the brokenness yourself

alone and quiet.

Learn to know when to stop

be still and restart.

Learn to cry out loud

and laugh and sigh.

Learn to live for yourself

find within the joy you’ve lost

from looking for temporary happiness.


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It’s Time

It’s time to grow outside, little rose.

Don’t let your thorns bind you inside.

 

It’s time to fly, little bird.

Don’t let the high fool you.

 

It’s time to laugh, sad clown.

Don’t let your mascara tears flow ‘til it drown you.

 

It’s time to be you.


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On Pushing, Not Giving Up and Showing Up

Today marks my 5th year in the corporate world. Every year, I make sure to blog about my experiences and feelings about my stay in this world I have never imagined myself to be this very long.

Being here in this particular job is a love-hate relationship. It is like I am extending and flexing myself to be someone I am not. And yet, I am here because of the simple fact that I know God wants me here, right at this place, right at this moment.

There are lot of times I wanted to give up and just leave this competitive corporate world. There are lot of times that this job made me anxious and left me self-pitying to the point I am at the verge of giving in to depression. But why I am still here, if this is the case?

What I learned about this life is even though you’ve been in this black hole of self-pity, anxiety and depressing thoughts, you need to show up and push through. Not letting the black holes to pull you and eat you alive.

Showing up is hard. Pushing through is hard. Most especially, when you are in a love-hate relationship with the job you have right now. But showing up can do wonders. Pushing through even though you don’t want to can also do wonders.

I realized that in life, even if you feel withdrawing yourself from the world; even if you feel like giving up; even if you feel not being good enough… showing up makes a whole lot of difference.

So, I am here. I am still here. I am still breathing the air of competitiveness, still learning about adult life, still thriving to push and still testing the boundaries.

Right now, I am just enjoying the process. I am enjoying the learning. I am enjoying the experiences I may gain in this world. For now, I am here and I am not giving up.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”- 1 Peter 5:7


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The past months have been very hard for me in almost every aspect of my life. I got too frustrated a lot and oftentimes it manifested in my works, words and actions. And most of the time, I wanted to give up. Spiritually, I knew there was something wrong with me. There were a lot of times I forgot to pray or devote time to talk to God or even read the Bible. Sometimes, when I read the Bible, it seemed like nothing is sticking up in my head. I know there is something wrong with my heart.


However, last weekend, it seems I am having a renewed sense of spirituality. I began my Saturday with reading the Bible, praying and devoting a time to talk to God. And it was really refreshing.  It is as if all the battles I’ve been fighting for almost 7 months have vanished.


“Do not lose heart,” God said. And it stuck in my head.
“Do not lose heart,” God said and I trust Him.
“Do not lose heart,” God said and my heart steadied.

 

Yes, Lord, I will not lose heart


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26

I hold her hand not knowing what is in store for me. She is leaving. She is leaving  me now. She is leaving me for good. I couldn’t fathom what she is thinking. I could not see it in her eyes. Part of her is clouded by darkness. A cloud that seems to embody her life. A cloud, for what I know, is her.

I am used to leaving. I am used being left out. But today, her leaving is something I couldn’t comprehend. The only person who knows, who cares, finally going somewhere where I could no longer go.

I knew her, she wouldn’t say anything unless being asked. I knew her, she wouldn’t dare to stare on anyone’s eyes for long time because she might be read. Today, I don’t know her anymore. She is no longer the girl I ought to know. She is now a puzzle. Her leaving is a puzzle.

Or maybe not. There are certain feelings I know I feel but still deny their existence. And her leaving is one of them. The feeling of holding on is what I am feeling right now. But she knows what is best for me. She knows what I need to be. She knows in her leaving, she can finally set me free.

She says, “you will not be the same person again as yesterday.” I say, “why? Because you are leaving?” “Yes,” she utters as resounding as it may get, “I am the only one who is holding you back.” “It is okay, I can still contain you.” “No, you can’t!” “Yes, I can?” It is more of a question than a conviction. “I am now your past and I could no longer be with you tomorrow. Stop patronizing me as if you live for me. I am the past. I could no longer step in this moment.”

And when she said that, I understand, I could no longer be her.

Today, she turns her back. I turn mine. No looking back is what my mind is telling me. But I look back, and saw her and all the darkness. I look back, I saw me, my younger self, walking silently.

She’s right, I am now free. I am free from all those memories of the past. I am free of her, the only baggage I have since. But, she is also wrong. I am not the only one who is free, but also her. She can finally roam around without thinking of me, of her future. She can finally walk around, without the worry of time passing by her. She can, for once, enjoy her moment. And I could enjoy mine.

-FIN-


So, it’s been a long time since I have written something like this, a flash fiction. But that is not the point of this entry.

The point of this blog post is to have a birthday blog post. Every year, I celebrate my birthday by writing something: may it be the lessons I’ve learned throughout my existence, or things I love doing or anything under the sun, sometimes, I share funny GIFs. However, for this year’s birthday blog post, I want to share something poetic, because I am a frustrated writer/poet/philosopher. Haha (and that isn’t funny at all).

The flash fiction you just have read is something dear to me. So, hopefully, you enjoyed!

Also, I will be inactive this coming days, weeks or months. I will be focusing on something I have planned since day 1 of this year. But I will be posting here and there from time to time.

‘Til next time!

Note to My Younger Self | 12 | 25

“Sing to me the song of the stars
of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again”

25 has brought you here, in this moment, the moment of true surrender, the moment of letting the voice inside your head be heard, the moment of finally letting go of control, and finally taking your own advice.

You are meant to live for so much more. Don’t lose yourself finding out life, finding out if dreams truly do come true. Don’t lose yourself in looking for tangible things. Don’t lose your footing on the ground because the ground will take you to many places if you just remain grounded.

You are meant to live for so much more. The world will offer you many things, many temporary highs. But remember, what you are called for. Remember the very purpose of your existence.

You are meant to live for so much more. So don’t let your predetermined plans get in God’s way. Don’t let your futile attempt to be more, slip you away from your true calling.

You are meant to live for so much more. You are meant to love.

You are meant to live for so much more. So much more that you shall not settle for anything less of what you deserve. Don’t settle to things that make your heart ache. Don’t settle to people who make you feel little. Don’t settle to the life this world got to offer. Because I tell you, this world does not compare to anything God has in store for you.

Lastly, Julienne, you are meant to live for so much more. Don’t let control control you. Don’t let your grip suffocate you. Don’t let yourself hold you back.


This is the last from the Sunday Series, Note to My Younger Self.  To read the previous posts, click the following:

Note to My Younger Self | 01 | 2007 (Best Shot)

Note to My Younger Self | 02 | 2008 (Goodbyes)

Note to My Younger Self | 03 | 2009 (Everything’s Okay)

Note to My Younger Self | 04 | 2010 (Hard Times)

Note to My Younger Self | 05 | 2011 (Learning to Breathe)

Note to My Younger Self | 06 | 2012 (Endings & Beginnings)

Note to My Younger Self | 07 | 2013 (More)

Note to My Younger Self | 08 | 2014 (Slow Down)

Note to My Younger Self | 09 | 2015 (Set Apart)

Note to My Younger Self | 10 | 2016 (Defying Gravity)

Note to My Younger Self | 11 | 2017 (Lesson Learned)

Note to My Younger Self is a 12-week Sunday Series that aims to make sense of my past in order for me to move on to the present without extra baggage.



Photo Credit: Staring at the Sky