Why I Seldom Talk About Art?

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Talking about art is way different from showing it. Showing it means people can only see the end result, an instagram-worthy result, with the right angle, right lighting and right filter… voila, a picture perfect art.

 

Little did you know the pain, the frustration, the stress and the never-ending voice of self-pity. Little did you know the frustration whenever the hands don’t cooperate. Little did you know the stress whenever the deadline is coming on. Little did you know how the voices can ruin an innocent art day. And little did you know the pain, physical and emotional, the pain of seeing other’s work and comparing it to yours, for yours is below par… So you beat yourself up, telling yourself you are not good enough , you are not cut out for this, you are simply disillusioned. These are hidden to all the eyes looking at the end result. 

And that’s why I don’t talk about arts that much. I don’t even call myself an artist. I can’t even distinguish colors of the same hue. I can’t even draw a straight line. I don’t have a professional training. Sometimes I want to delete all the traces of art on my IG feed, just because I feel I am not good enough for this.

The process is frustrating, stressful and painful. The process is tiring. I have once given up on arts. I told myself, “I will never ever draw or do any art.” But then, art has its way on finding its way back.

Even though I have a love-hate relationship with arts, it has been my refuge when words and sentences fail. It has given me freedom to be someone, to tell stories, to see the world in a different hue, to see the beauty of the world and to share God’s glory.

I could give you a lot of pep talks right now, but the only thing I could tell you that matter is this: TRUST THE PROCESS, even your hands don’t cooperate, your self-pity is growing, your frustration is at its peak, and the pain is unbearable. Just trust the process!

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I will not post a Sunday Currenty feature today. Unfortunaletly, I decided to post a Sunday Currently only once a month because it is taking up most of my blog. But if you want to know what I am currently up to and what it is like to be inside my thoughts, you could follow me on my Twitter account (@yienxa25).

Why Do We Write?

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Sometimes, we just want to make sense of all the thoughts inside our heads. Yet, conversations with people aren’t enough and most of the time superficial. So we seek an outlet to let all the words out. We grab our pens and bleed words we badly want to utter. We write until words run out and the only thing that remain is the bleeding. No, not the physical bleeding or the tangible one but the bleeding that flows inside us – the bleeding of hope.

In writing, we can discover a new found hope. A hope that someday, someone can hear us out… can hear the voices inside our minds… can hear the words we want to say but can’t utter. A hope that someday, we can hear our own… we can stop the shouting voices in our minds… and we can finally utter the words we badly want to say.

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Sunday Currently | 05

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This week has been very productive in terms of the writing aspect of my life. I have written a poem (which I will never publish here on my blog), a guest blog post (which I don’t know if I will share it here because it is too personal), a book blog entry (which was posted yesterday) and this Sunday Currently entry. And that’s why my brain is kind of in a zombie mode these past few days.

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Reading

A.W. Tozer’s The Attribute of God: A Journey into the Father’s Heart. So far, this book is overwhelming (in a good sense). I am hoping I could write something about it after I finish the book.

Writing

Sunday Currently 5. I am glad that I have finished writing my guest blog entry and I have already submitted it last Friday. In fact, I have written 3 drafts for that guest blog. I finally concluded that it is really hard to blog about your personal life. I still don’t know if I will share it here on my blog since it is too personal. Reasons are: (1) I will never know who in my circle of friends/colleagues/family will read it; (2) I don’t want people I know to decipher my deepest thoughts; (3) I am a coward lady; (4) I don’t like people I know to think I am very into that thought (haha.. vague); (5) Anxiety.

So, you may ask, why did you agree to write some personal stuff? The blogosphere is different from real life. The people I know here in this blog world is never judgmental and I will never see them in real life. My fear is when people I know or those people I always talk to personally may read what I’ve written. I am just uncomfortable with that.

Okay, why am I explaining myself? -_-

Listening

to nothing – well, the sound of the electric fan and chirping birds, if that counts. This is why I love province life!

Watching

nothing. I am not a watcher type of person.

Thinking

that tomorrow is already Monday, the long vacation is at its verge of ending. This is the saddest ending ever!!!

Also, I’ve been thinking about my conversation with my bestfriend last Friday! Why is it hard to be human? Can we just know without asking? Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Smelling

Lysol.

Wishing

life would be clearer.

Hoping

for clarity.

Loving

the rain! I don’t know why I love rain, maybe because it brings some memories from childhood that I most enjoyed.

Needing

junkfood. I am not a junkfood eater but I am craving for junkfood right now.

Feeling

indecisive. There is nothing new of me being indecisive. But something about me and my friend’s conversation last Friday hits me hard and makes me want to know a certain thing but at the same time I’m afraid to know (sorry if this is vague, but I cannot put it into right words, plus, my head is really aching from all those writing I did the past few days).


To end this, here are some takeaways from reading A.W. Tozer’s work:

“What God made, God loves.”

“It is by grace we are saved, out of the goodness of God.”

“God is not an absentee creator!”

 

 

Consistently Inconsistent

I have been really consistently inconsistent in updating this side of my blog. Even though I tried so hard to rationalize and reason out why I’ve been MIA here in my Book of the Month feature, no reason will ever suffice; because the real reason is I am too lazy to think, review and write about this particular topic.

Also, it is hard to choose a book which really gets my emotions. I’ve been reading fairly average lately and it seems no book has really captured my heart that much. Actually, I am really missing reading something dark or deep or something mind-boggling enough. The last time I can remember was last December, I’ve read The Sun is Also a Star in one day. However, the books I’ve been reading now-a-days are just too familiar or what I call my cup of tea: funny Mythology, Christian Non-fiction, an overrated YA novel, Classics from Lewis & Steinback and a Christian book adaptation. All those are in my comfort zone.

I am just looking for something that will resonate my deepest emotions, that can give me a heartbreak (without the actual heartbreak), or something that will challenge my preconceived notion about life.

So, instead of telling you about my favorite book for the 1st quarter of the year, I’ll be giving you some quotable quotes from the books I’ve read:

Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless Ones by Derek Landy

_We are define by the things that we do, Detective_

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Skulduggery 2

Regret No More: Letting Go of Yesterday’s Sorrows by Nelson Dy

Second chance

Chief end

 

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Found: Letters on Love, Life and God by Isa Garcia

Found

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Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

Fangirl

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Of Mice & Men by John Steinback

Of Mice

The Son of Sobek by Rick Riordan

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War Room: Payer is a Powerful Weapon by Chris Fabry

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Who Would Have Thought by Acel Van-Ommen

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Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

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Magnus Chase: The Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan

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So, I think that’s it. Hopefully, this suffice my MIA for months.

Sunday Currently | 04

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Hello there! It’s been two weeks since the last time I wrote a Sunday Currently feature. For those of you asking (are there?), I deliberately did not post a Sunday Currently because of life. There has been changes which my mind should further ponder. But I will tell you about that some other time (or not).

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Reading

Magnus Chase and The Sword of Summer by Rick Riordan. Well, I love mythology.

Writing

a Sunday Currently feature, obviously. Oh, and I should be writing for my guest blog post right now. But, no, I haven’t started yet because….PROCRASTINATION!

Listening

What’s Up Ahead by Yeng Constantino and her husband Yan Asuncion. I haven’t heard it for awhile.

Just so you know, my SD card was corrupted last week, so all of my music was also corrupted. That’s why last week was very stressful for me. Music is life!

Watching

Nothing. But I just finished watching Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why. I have read the book 3-4 years ago and I can’t vividly remember the details of the book. But man, the series was too dark, too vivid, and too real. There were no pretensions, no sugarcoating, no romanticizing of suicide. It depicted what this world is trying to hide: sexual harassment, bullying, slut-shaming, rape, victim-blaming, and suicide. I don’t know what have I just watched. It’s just insanely good and ugly at the same time. Oh don’t get me wrong with the word ugly, what am I trying to say is the series was too real that it concretely depicted the ugliness of the world we live in.

Thinking

of 13 Reasons Why, life, death, frustrations, words, being kind, earthquake, arts, relationships, how could I spend 1,000.00 pesos for 3 books, travel itinerary, my phone always hanging, my blog, the guest blog post I should have been writing right now, holy week… I mean, I think a lot.

  • Life & Death

I’ve already talked about this from my previous posts. But until now, life and death seem too mysterious for me. I know, life is ephemeral and such. Death is the end of all of us. What you do in between them is what matters most. But how could we accept certain facts like death? We live, we die, and now what?

  • Frustrations

In between life and death is a lot of frustrations. I know I can handle it. But how about the others, can they?

  • Words and Being Kind

Words left unsaid even you mean well or you are just too afraid to voice it out, unkind words uttered even as a joke… they all can make or break a person. Everything is a ripple effect. What if that certain word you are not voicing out, is the only word a person need to go on with life? What if?

  • Earthquake

Yesterday, I have felt 5 earthquakes and that was terrifying. So now, I am thinking, what was going on?

  • Relationships

I am thinking how on earth I am trying hard to be relatable but end up not being one. Maybe I’m like Clay (reference: 13 Reasons Why), coward and clueless. It’s just so hard being of this world. But don’t get me wrong again, I am just wondering why am I not relatable enough.

Smelling

a bookstore smell. I realized my room smells like a library/bookstore and I love it.

Wishing

for the safety of everyone. Really I am boggled by the frequent earthquake.

Wearing

the usual pambahay, white shirt (a souvenir from Baguio) and black shorts.

Hoping

for answers to questions.

Loving

the fact that I am alone and I can hear Ed Sheeran’s voice while writing this particular sentence.

Needing

a sleep. Yes, I’ve been sleeping a lot lately but also I’ve been getting up too early than my usual waking hours. It’s been two weeks since the last time I completed an 8-hour sleep. I don’t know what’s up but I think there is something wrong but I cannot point it out.

Feeling

everything at once and for the first time, I am glad that I am feeling a certain kind of emotion. Because this only means that I am alive. Well, I am very overwhelmed of what I just have watched, you know, the topic of depression and suicide are overwhelming enough which I am glad I am not experiencing even though life is hard most of the time.


So… this entry is kind of depressing but I suppose I am really hit by Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why.


Here’s a quote I remembered from the book The Unicorn Road while watching TRW:

“But your little words do just that, don’t they, Venn? They order the acts that set in course events that can never then be undone. They make it all happen. And people die in agony because they will not say the little words required of them. Or they die because they say the wrong words, or just because they’ve never been taught the words that will save them. The power of kings is nothing to the power of those words you deal in.”

“When words are your daily currency, it can be easy to forget their power.”

The Unicorn Road, Martin Davies

Lost

 

unspokenHave you ever feel lost?

Like a fool looking for answers,

Looking for something to hold on to,

Looking for signs, little hope to go on.

Ten thousand days, ten thousand weeks,

Ten thousand months, ten thousand years.

Yet the ears are fixed to the only familiar sound,

The sound of the only thing that is keeping me alive.

Wondering, wandering…

Feeling, seeing…

Believing, trusting…

Should I still go on?

Or is this the right time to let go?


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  • Hugot sa na-corrupt na SD card.

The Label You Put Inside Your Head

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Let me tell you this: you are NOT the label you put inside your head, neither, the label others tell you behind your back. 

People tend to box us of their slight idea about us. People try to grasp us in a way they see our lives, based on their biases, based on their stereotypes. But the truth is, what they can only access is the tip of our icebergs. They can only see what their minds can understand. They perceive what they want to perceive. And that my friend is not dangerous at all. It is part of life. People judge us and form stereotypes about us. The danger is, what our own minds can create and make us believe.

Our own minds are dangerous. Maybe too dangerous. What we put in our minds define our being.

Let me ask you, who are you? What defines you? Me, for example, is a self-proclaimed introvert. I know there is no danger about being an introvert. But you know what’s terrifying about my idea of myself? It is that, most of the time, I am too absorbed in being an introvert, which defeat the very purpose of my existence here on earth, to share and to love.

The thing about knowing yourself too much and labeling yourself is that you feel you are ought to be just that kind of person, when in fact, you are not called to be just that person, you are called for more: to step out of your idea of yourself and be out there.

The point I am trying to say is: Maybe the label we put in our heads is not the label we are cut out for. Maybe we are meant to live for so much more than our ideas and stereotypes. Maybe, just maybe, life would be better if we stop labeling ourselves and start lighting up the very purpose we are here on earth.

Right now, what I am certain of is, we are not the label we put inside our heads, neither, the label others tell us behind our backs… We are in fact God’s, and His idea about us is what matters.


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Photo by: jacobsmedia.com

Sunday Currently | 03

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I thought I would not be writing a Sunday Currently today. But yeah, I still write. I woke up early today and I feel I should write something, and the most sensible thing to write is a Sunday Currently feature.

  • I woke up with chirping birds outside.
  • I woke up singing Lorde’s new singles, Liability and Green Light.
  • I woke up determined to reread Narnia.
  • I woke up hungry.
  • I woke up blah blah blah…

 

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Reading

Chronicles of Narnia again but now I’ll be reading it in chronological order. Also, I’ve finished reading Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon and I was very disappointed with this one. I’ve read the other book of Nicola Yoon which by the way was so good. I thought EE has the same caliber. But no, I got my expectations too high.

For Bible Reading, just finished reading John 🙂

Writing

Sunday Currently 3. I thought I will not be writing this because I want to have a weekend full of readings. However, I am now writing this.

Listening

Look at Me Now covered by Karmin. How I missed Karmin, they already disbanded last year which made me sad but realized they are still married soooo… it’s okay. But I think I will miss all those covers and the voice of Nick Noonan.

Also, I am very happy that Lorde came out with 2 new singles!!!

Oh, I almost forgot, last night I listened to The Purposeful Creative podcast and I was #fangirling to the fact that Arriane Serafico is interviewing Abbey Sy! The 2 women I look up to because of their works! Yeah, I was one happy nerd/fangirl last night!

Watching

None. I am not into watching. However, earlier, I watched itsjudylife beca…beca…because (only itsjudylife fan will get this). MK forever!!! Also, before sleeping last night, I watched a review of the Divide album of Ed Sheeran.

Honestly, I missed watching Nickelodeon and Disney shows, mindlessly laughing about corny and one-liner jokes.

Thinking

of sleeping again.

Smelling

food or am I just hallucinating or am I hungry?

Wishing

life would be easier.

Wearing

the usual pambahay, white shirt and pink shorts.

Hoping

for new books to read. However, I realized my shelf is already full of books and I have a lots of TBR pile. See, I am in a dilemma right now. I hate it when I need to rationalize with myself, like, who am I kidding?

Loving

the fact that my li’l brother is at home. I haven’t seen him for months now and I missed him so much. So, last night I bullied him (that’s how I show my love and care… haha). #bebeboy #saudiboyinthehouse

Also, loving the fact that I am rereading one of my favorite books of all time, Narnia.

Loving the fact that my sister is now reading my favorite book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Btw, she is not a reader, so, this is really a big deal for me. It is just so nice to know I am making an impact to one’s life.

Needing

courage and strength to start planning about the interior of my room.

Feeling

sick. I feel like I will be having a sore throat. But yeah, life goes on.

Also, feeling excited about next Friday’s out-of-town with my friend! Finally, a real vacation!


To wrap up this entry, I would like to honor the founder of the Sunday Currently feature, siddathornton.


“Stop doubting and believe”

John 20: 27

 

 

Sunday Currently | 02

Sunday Currently

 

My brain is not cooperating today, so please bear with all the nonsense you will be reading today.

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Reading

some articles in the internet. I haven’t read any book this week. But I am planning to reread Chronicles of Narnia because I missed the world of Narnia so much.

For Bible reading, still reading Exodus and John.

I don’t know why I am in a reading slump right now and it is very frustrating.

Writing

Sunday Currently and thinking of another one for Thursday schedule.

Listening

Mary, Did You Know? covered by Pentatonix and bird chirping. For the record, my playlist is in shuffle. These past few days, I’ve been listening a lot of musicals, such as Wicked, Lea Salonga’s songs and High School Musical. Also, listening to Reese Lansangan. Go Indie!

Watching

nothing! But I’ve been meaning to watch Riverdale and The Last Five Years but I’m too lazy to download. And I still have 3 movies to watch that I haven’t started watching yet. Why am I too lazy these days?

Thinking

of many things (as usual). Thinking about modern-day oppression/slavery, violins, consistency, why I dislike going out, introvertness, labels, sleeping, leaving, photoshoot, re-organizing my bookshelf/art area and other random things.

Smelling

nothing!

Wishing

not to be lazy!

Wearing

oversized sky blue t-shirt with heart print and orange shorts with floral print.

Hoping

for…. uggghhhh… my mind isn’t working now. I think my brain is still asleep. Hoping to end reading slump and to get back to journaling.

Loving

the fact that today is Sunday and I can be lazy however and whenever I like. Loving the chirping birds outside. Loving Bamboo (currently singing in the background). Loving the fact my jam is currently playing. Loving that I woke up early to write early even though my brain is still asleep.

But you know what, I love being idle right now. Last year, I’ve been hustling and running from one idea to another. My schedule was a mess. Everything is a mess even this blog. However, this year I think I will be more kind to myself.

Needing

a one week of recharging. One thing about being an introvert is that when they interact with so many people, they need to recharge. And I badly need a week-long recharging because of those necessary and unnecessary interactions (and those unplanned meetings). I am just wondering, can I tell my boss that I will be on leave because my anxiety is kicking in again? For the record, anxiety is an illness, sooooo….. (hoping that my boss will not read this entry).

Feeling

Is sleepy a feeling? If it is, that’s what I am feeling right now.

But seriously, I am boggled about the modern-day slavery I read last Tuesday and until now I am still thinking about it. The fact that it is still happening here in the Philippines makes me very anxious about the Filipino people. Because if a clan of elitist can do such things, especially to those marginally poor and innocent people, how much more an elitist cum government official? To be honest, I feel helpless about the situation of the Filipino people. Dolores Umbridge is real!!!!


To sum up, I am sleepy and my brain isn’t working and this entry is a rubbish.


To end this entry, presenting the Bible verse of the day:

14 “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

-John 10:14-15 (NIV)